On Sunday January 29th 2012, right across the
street from USC, the 18th annual Screen Actors Guild Awards took
place on schedule at the Shrine Auditorium.

This year’s ceremony was particularly special on account of a
few familiar, giant-hateful-poster-wielding guests of honor. Many a student
knows it’s difficult to attend a large event or even walk to class without
coming across the Religious Zealots that are famous for enjoying the heck out
of football games, screenings, concerts, blood drives, public speakers,
sprinkles cupcake giveaways, and pretty much any occasion that has something
they don’t: significance to anyone other than themselves.

Or so we thought.

It turns out that these Zealots, who claim to have
no affiliation with any religious group, are telling the truth, because they
aren’t really Religious Zealots at all: they’re actors. And thanks to SAG,
these actors will finally be recognized in the way they deserve for the incredible
work to which these people have dedicated their lives.

“It’s really astounding when you consider the level of
commitment these actors have demonstrated day in and day out,” explains Glenn,
a SAG representative. “I mean, they really had us fooled.”

Fooled is right. In a poll conducted by USC last year, data
showed that students, faculty and employees unanimously agreed that the
Religious Zealots were “more irritating than an infant on an airplane screaming
whilst rubbing me down with steel wool.”

Within days of the poll results’ release, SAG took matters
into its own hands. “We knew something was up as soon as we heard,” says Glenn.
“No group could possibly be that offensive all the time and really mean it.”

Sure enough, all it took was a quick conversation about the
concepts of “hypocrisy and blatant disregard for logical thought process” to
know that there was no way these Religious Zealots weren’t just actors giving
the performances of a lifetime.

Bill, one of the actors recognized at the SAG Awards, has been
playing a Zealot for 20 years and counting. “It really and truly started as
just a hobby,” smiles Bill. “It quickly got more serious when it was clear I
really had a gift for handing out pamphlets and infuriating audiences with hateful intolerant messages. To be
able to incite a visceral reaction like that in people”¦well it’s addicting

SAG was excited to award the “Religious Zealots” with the
Acting Lifetime Achievement Award. Betty, one of the Zealot actresses,
described her appreciation for the award, saying “It was neat to show up at
something where we were actually invited.”

Bill was the actor among the group to formally accept the
award at the ceremony in front of the large star-studded audience. He kept his
acceptance speech short, simply stating, “I don’t need to be paid to do this.
That’s how I know it’s a passion of mine, and I don’t plan to stop any time in
the future.”

Based on that sentiment, we can look forward to seeing Bill
and his theatrical Zealot friends at every USC event until the day we die, at
which point either our souls will all be doomed forever”¦. or they won’t.

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