On Sunday, January 30th the streets bordering the
Shrine Auditorium across from the USC campus were shut down and loaded with
security to accommodate the annual Screen Actors Guild Awards.
This past weekend marked the holiest day of the year for one
of the most mysterious and controversial religious factions to date: the Screen
Actors Guild (SAG). While SAG
maintains a reputation of incredible exclusivity, I was able to witness the
ungodly ritual that unfolded that afternoon, namely the annual human sacrifice.
Betty White, a highly respected senior member, tried to explain saying “it’s
how we sustain our unearthly beauty. Botox? That stuff is b——-. This is the
real deal, sweetheart.”
Little is known about what goes on at the SAG Awards or SAG
itself for that matter. Arguably the most unsettling aspect of this group is
that it is entirely populated by some of the most pervasive and volatile
members of society, known to most as “actors.” Every year hundreds of self
proclaimed actors put on Giorgio Armani’s version of Sunday’s Best and gather
at the Shrine to participate in the secretive ceremony. There is no host for the
ceremony, mainly because that much attention on any single member would
generate too much jealousy throughout the congregation.
In spite of numerous criminal allegations and a highly
contested ongoing court battle, the U.S. Government allows the organization to exist
on the stipulation that the traditional attire for actresses continues to
feature “lots and lots of cleavage.”
“We really like that Sofia Vergara. What a knockout”, said
Chief Justice John C. Roberts in support of the ruling as he high-fived
Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Pictured: Sofia Vergara
Pictured: Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Unfortunately for SAG, security was unable to completely
obscure Sunday’s events from the crowd of enthusiastic onlookers that had
gathered across the street to catch glimpses of the ceremony’s attendees. What followed on the red carpet was
both captivating and horrifying.
Upon entering the Shrine, the actors engaged in a strange
ceremonial dance that seemed difficult to execute considering that everyone was
under the impression that it revolved around them.
The events of the evening took a dark turn when guild
members began nominating each other to be the human sacrifice. A decision was
finally reached at the end of the night, and the honor went to the entire cast
of The King’s Speech. They were promptly slain and eaten by all in attendance.
“It’s a shame because we were really looking forward to
seeing them at this year’s Oscars”, said Donald Sutherland, a presenter/actor,
“but at least they finished that last Harry Potter movie before it was too
Evidently they don’t call it the red carpet for nothing.