Recent studies have shown that College age girls all across the country are finding themselves to be attracted to their academic advisors. Rebecca Donaldson, Sophomore majoring in Psychology, said she noticed the trend when she found it happening to her personally. Donaldson said, “I’ve never really been attracted to older men. I’ve always been more into guys my age, ya know, guys that would bring me to parties on weeknights when I had papers due and force me to drink only to drink too much themselves and embarrass me by telling everyone at the party how I told him I wasn’t popular in high school. Ya know, just a normal college age guy. But for some reason I couldn’t help but find myself attracted to my academic advisor when I met him last year. The light shining off his balding scalp seemed to mesmerize me as he told me I didn’t have room for the electives I wanted. Watching the hair in between his knuckles, reminding me of Robin William’s movies I had watched as a girl as he passed me useless pieces of paper to help me ensure I was taking enough credits for my desired major, I became more and more affected by his spell of attraction.” She paused, realizing she had been caught in a reverie where the the main character of, “Jack,” actually existed. She composed herself and continued saying, “I think I realized most that this strange chemistry had bubbled up between us when I noticed the keys to his 2005 Ford Focus dangling from his neck as he explicitly told me how I could and could not spend my time in the coming semester. I started asking my friends about it and soon realized that they found themselves having the same magnetic pull toward their advisors.” As she ended her testimonial about this phenomenon she got out her iPad and opened her iBooks app, which is when I noticed the only book she had on the device was, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” She told me that was all she had for me and began to read.
I quickly decided that this was a job for my journalistic prowess and brought the story to the streets. In case you didn’t know, the streets are where I started my writing career in a journalistic school of hard knocks. You could call me a man of the people… If you want. Katie Johnson, A senior I literally ran into while listening to my iPod and thinking of myself in an investigative journalist montage, told me about her experiences with being advised out of this world. as I got up making sure my journalist rain duster wasn’t too messed up from the fall I decided she was as good a person as any to ask about being attracted to her academic advisor. She looked at me as if I had peered into her soul using a power I had received with many other members of the community during some freak thunderstorm or meteor shower and said, “Yea actually, there’s just something incredible about the way he told me I couldn’t take those art classes. It just feels like magic when I walk out of his office more confused about my schedule for the coming semester than I was when I started.” Seemingly elsewhere in her mind she bit her lower lip, looked upwards, and almost involuntarily started saying, “I think it was when he told me I couldn’t take that PE elective that I realized that not only was he incredibly sexy when telling me what I could and could not do with my body but that he, as a man, simply knew what was best for me.” She then walked off mumbling about needing to change her course schedule as I walked the other way realizing I had just gotten a real interview.
I soon found another girl while investigating out on the street. Her name was Ashley Reynolds, a Freshmen, who I decided my self esteem was now high enough to just go talk to. She informed me after I asked about her advisor that she had not yet met with him because she was a freshman. I apologized saying, “ohh sorry for wasting your time,” and started walking away. As I said this her faced seem to soften up as her eyes turned up at me. She looked at me affectionately saying, “ohh it’s no problem, are you doing anything this weekend?” She lifted one of her legs letting only her toe stay on the ground and twisted the heel of that foot left to right, the way I had only seen sailor moon and the teen titans do, as she asked.
I do not write this to be sexist I simply followed the story and had to be true to my journalistic integrity that I learned from my years as an underground street writer. Any women offended by reading this please feel free to email me with a complaint, I’m sure half way through doing so you’ll realize you’re wasting your time and suddenly find yourself being attracted to me.