LOS ANGELES — Riding on a wave of confidence after the commercial and critical success of his blockbuster Avatar, Director James Cameron announced Tuesday that the sequel will arrive in theaters as an unprecedented 8-dimensional film.

The world of the Na’vi is too expansive to be contained in typical,
mortal dimensions, according to Cameron, who agreed to be interviewed in
his Kathryn Bigelow form after locking himself in a cylindrical avatar
capsule and transferring bodily vessels.

“Most directors ask themselves: “What can I do with this medium?’ I ask: “What can I do to this medium?’” Cameron-Bigelow said.

Although many scientists are already scratching their brows as to how
Cameron will be able to film in 8 dimensions, the director himself
seems more certain than marine Jake Sully when he decided to become the
first human to tame the mighty Toruk.

“You doubt my powers, don’t you?” said Cameron-Bigelow as he/she
slipped on his/her crimson stilettos in preparation for yet another
Oscar celebration, “Fool. Not only will this film contain five more
dimensions, but it will extend for an extra five hours.”

When questioned as to how he/she would seek to appease the film
distributor 20th Century Fox with such an exorbitantly long film,
Cameron-Bigelow simply smiled and said, “Oh jeez, you still think Rupert
Murdoch controls his own body?”

Before stepping into a limousine to be chauffeured to the Oscar
Party, Cameron-Bigelow explained in-depth how the eight-dimensional film
would work.

“With three dimensions, you can control length, width, and height.
With the fourth, you can control time. With the fifth, it’s movement.
The sixth, energy. The seventh, dark matter. The eighth”¦well, that’s
everything. Everything.”