After much debate over the health benefits of marijuana in Columbia, the Missouri Senate declared Tuesday that it is going to legalize a new drug, “squirrel crack,” instead.
Pro-cannabis activist groups protested through the streets of downtown Columbia, Missouri for months to get their voices heard and work toward the legalization of marijuana.
Frequent marijuana user and legalization activist Wanda Reefer said, “We just tryin’ to get high. I don’t smoke no cigs, I don’t smoke no crack cocaine. I’m smokin’ God’s medicine, you feel me?”
The protests led Missouri scientists to take action and run numerous tests to discover what this weed hype was all about. Scientist Dr. Reed Stanley ran tests on one University of Missouri student, giving him one full joint every ten minutes for two hours. The patient experienced significant pain relief of his recent back injury, anxiety relief, bursts of genuine laughter, and a strong desire to “just chill.”
“I can’t feel my face,” reported patient Juan Moore-Hitt after the experiment. “But I’m happy as fuck.”
The only harmful effect that the experiment revealed was Moore-Hitt’s utter inability to decide between Pokey Sticks or regular pizza. “We took serious note of this,” said Stanley. “Clearly this shows that marijuana is directly linked to brain damage.”
Meanwhile, Columbia police were investigating a new popular drug that sparked popularity on Mizzou’s campus. Similar to the hallucinogen “shrooms,” which grows from cow waste, squirrel crack is believed to come from the shit of the infamous MU squirrels themselves.
“I don’t care where the hell this grows. I…need…it,” a twitching anonymous student said creepily before running across the quad.
With further investigation, Columbia police found that squirrel crack has triple the effects of heroin and cocaine combined. If used irresponsibly, “Squack”, as it is frequently called, could cause a slow and painful death. When Missouri lawmakers were presented with the research and activists’ pleas, they quickly made the decision to intensify the criminalization of marijuana and to legalize Squack for recreational use.
“The University of Missouri is home to thousands of bright students. If they’re into this Squack business, let them eat cake! Or squirrel shit for that matter,” said Senator Roy Blunt.
The ironically named politician continued, “Pot kills, folks. If someone can’t decide if they want Pokey Sticks or not, that’s a serious issue that can’t be ignored.”
During the hearing over the legality of the two drugs, President Barack Obama shook his head over Skype while lighting up a joint at the White House.
MU students who are interested in the new drug may now student charge Squack at the University Bookstore.