Dearest CollegeMags,

Ah yes, my darling past self, I recognize this time of year. Your glorious winter break is coming to its end and you are preparing to make the trek back to campus. Currently, you’re probably somewhere in the middle of that horrific state where you can only fit into your brother’s sweatpants because “your mom” totally “made” you eat 10 bags of family-size peanut m&ms.

Well missy, this is a problem. It is imperative that you roll out of that deep crevice your atrophying body has permanently put into the couch because we CANNOT make our triumphant return to campus in sweatpants, mmmkay?

Sweatpants are only appropriate for AM classes. Or for a few PM classes every once in a while when you need to look hungover in order to up your “I drink during the week” cred and distract from the fact that last night you probably did some class assignments, watched an episode of Kyle XY and passed out around 8:30PM. Good that you know to keep that a secret, bad that you keep doing it anyway.

OK, back to the matter at hand — you need a reason to start moving again and I have the perfect answer. I know we’ve talked once or twice about nabbing you a man on campus. Well, I’ve been leaving out an integral part to this process: the mating ritual. In college, the mating ritual is more or less dancing. At every Kappa Sigma Delta Nu Alpha Pi Lambda Joe Frat party you go to, there will be dancing. It immediately weeds out the sexy from the non-sexy. In your mid-twenties the typical mating ritual changes to something many call “holding your drink” or as we refer to it “not barfing on the bar”. These rituals take practice.

So, as winter break draws to a close, kill two birds with one stone and start your dance training while ditching the sweats. 

Now before you go and bog yourself down trying to learn the foxtrot, please know that if you try to whip those kinds of moves out at the next Nambdu Almega Kigma Sappa Pu party, you have a 78% chance that a sorority girl rocking a pink ruffled skirt and uggs will punch you in the gut. You keep those gems in your back pocket for the days when you’re cruising through the retirement home circuit and stumble upon a sexy septugenarian who’s also into lime jello and getting wild without dentures on.

For now, concentrate on these four integral dances to the college mating ritual:

The Grind – You really don’t need any real rhythm to master this one. Simply imagine what those long, flat, cloth wipers in a car wash look like and mimic their movements. There, you’ve learned how to grind.

The Booty Drop (or the Downtown Booty Brown) – This is exactly what it sounds like. Only, when performing this in a real frat house, please don’t actually let your buttocks hit the floor. Lord only knows how many other booties have been there before yours. And the secret video camera the frat brothers have only knows how many of those booties were wearing underwear.

The Pole Dance – You will stumble upon many a college campus house party that indeed has a stripper pole in the basement. Learn how to use one. This will also come in handy when we go through that firemen phase junior year.

The Robot – When in doubt, the robot always plays.

Now that you’re in the know, go out there and shake what your mama gave you! By that I mean your boobs.



photo source