In a bizarre recent study, it has been determined that house elves do actually exist, and that they fuck with law school students who are trying to pass the Bar. The Bar is not only a notoriously hard exam to pass, but now it is addedly stressful thanks to house elves.
A Cornell student named ‘James’ describes his interaction with said elf as such: “He told me if I didn’t stop trying to be a lawyer I would get a bludger to the face. I then asked him, ‘what is a bludger, and why do I deserve one to the face?’ I then totally took a bludger to the face. It kind of sucked. But also I kind of liked it.’”
These such incidents have hit campuses across the country. Buffalo, Penn State, and UMass have all reported incidents of being abused by tiny satanical elves.
A girl from UMass, Carol, said that “a tiny hairless figure punched me in the stomach, and then laughed histerically. Why is the phrase, ‘U MAD?!?!’ so funny to him? I’m from UMass, not UMAD. The fuck does UMAD mean anyways? I’m only mad at him. Oh shit, that’s the point?”
“At least the elf who got me from Buffalo wasn’t so ruthless,” Sean said. “He just impregnated my girlfriend and told her she was a BuffaHO! I gotta tell the truth, I kind of agree with him on that. I mean 3 foot hairless freaks aren’t exactly the cup of tea for many girls”
Penn State, at least, escaped most of the wrath of these tiny elves. When asked if any of their law school potential had any interaction with law-school hating elves, they replied no. “Unless you count that girl who dropped out on account of personal reasons. Personally, I don’t think being outed as a girl with a penis state is anything to be concerned about, but i guess he felt differently.”