March Madness is typically a time equated with college basketball, gambling, binge drinking, and complaining to your Facebook friends about how your bracket is totally ruined because some no-name school beat the Lakers. But we at Campus Basement also equate March Madness with sex. Hot, steamy, sex. And since nobody will give us permission to use sexy photos of them for our website (I can’t imagine why not), we’ve set up a bracket of our own: STOCK PHOTO MADNESS. We took some of the hottest, most lawsuit-free photos from iStockphoto.com and matched them up head-to-head in the ultimate battle of looks and absolutely nothing else.

Who will emerge victorious? Will it be “Attractive Young Blonde Woman in Light Gray Beach Cover Up?” What about this year’s underdog, “Senior Woman Showing Thumbs Up Sign?” Or maybe “Repairman in Uniform and Hard Hat?”

It’s up to YOU to decide. Take a scroll through these bonerific royalty-free photos, check out the analyses written by our staff, and vote for your favorites!

 

 
This chick seems really into fitness, which is a good thing because a tight body is always appreciated. Also you won’t really have to take care of her that much when the zombie apocalypse comes around, which it will, and you can focus on defending yourself. She is also not too hard on the eyes.
  • 10
    VOTES
    Attractive Young Blonde Woman in Light Gray Beach Cover-up
    I chose this young lady (girl?) because I can tell she knows exactly what this job is. This job is Hot Stock Photo Girl, and the job requirements are being hot (duh), blonde, and boobs. Her portfolio is 100 percent her wearing the hell out of various items of clothing. Mostly bikinis. To that I say well done madame you do not fuck around. Could she fight anyone? No. Is there any evidence she’s spending her time learning a skill besides boobs? Not necessarily. What non-personal internet needs would this stock photo fulfill? I do not know. All we have is nearly 400 photos of completely focused I’m-a-cute-blonde mastery, catering directly to what we were ashamed to admit to ourselves was all we wanted.
  • 3
    VOTES
    Protective grandma
    While it may look like Bingo Night gone wrong, this artist’s rendering is actually a metaphor of USA’s involvement in World War I. Ethel here is America, protecting World War II France…yeah, that’s exactly what America looked like. The bathrobe and curlers suggest that we wanted no part of it in the beginning, but we’re more than willing to give ‘em the business when provoked.
  • 4
    VOTES
    Sexy Disco Dance
    Now usually speakers are places on your head so your ears can hear the music or audio book you are listening to. I have also seen pregnant women put them on their stomachs to let their babies. This however I have never seen. It works for me though because if she hears through her boobs, some men will be much more inclined to talk to her.
  • 3
    VOTES
    Slim woman
    How could I not be the hottest person in this bracket? I’m forced to cover my camel toe with my hand because I always get so damn wet for no good reason at all. Seriously, it’s a problem. Sometimes I get so wet that I worry that my boyfriend isn’t really trying in bed, but just hydroplaning on my vag. How am I supposed to know if he’s a good boyfriend if I don’t even know he’s good at sex?! Anyway, I’ve obviously got better curves than a Nascar track, and you can definitely stare at me for three hours straight without thinking, “Wow, I just watched cars drive for three hours while eating twinkies...I wonder what people think of how I run my life?” My boobs are perky, like POP OUT AT YOU AND MAKE YOU STARE PERKY, which I hear is what the boys like. It’s why I got the boob job anyway. Yes, I’m hiding my face, but let’s be honest here. When the lights are off, is it really going to matter all that much?
  • 1
    VOTES
    Senior woman showing thumbs up sign
    Miriam Bigford is an 82 year-old long distance runner. She was recruited by the Sunny Place retirement home straight out of retirement, and has shown nothing but progress. Her PR is around 46 minutes 24 seconds with a heavy wind, and has won each senior citizen meet she has raced, including the "YOLO Invitational". Miriam races in memory of her late cat Rascal, wearing a bracelet comprised of his hair each and everyday. She throws a finger up in each finger, but only her thumb, because arthritis has cemented the rest of her fingers.
  • 2
    VOTES
    Young refusing to eat a cupcake
    Now this picture is an interesting one. This lady is making that cupcake talk to the hand because it was being rude to her. I applaud her will power here but ultimately it will be futile. No one can win a staring contest against a cupcake that delicious looking. Chances of winning: <25%, chances of eating the cupcake: 100%
  • 1
    VOTES
    Sad Young Teenager At School With Friends
    This sad looking ginger is not bad but the main reason I chose this photo is for the bench players in the background. Sometimes riding the pine has its advantages. Let’s just crop the ginger out and focus on that blonde bombshell. She actually looks happy.
  • 3
    VOTES
    Woman looking at her reflection
    Steve Hanson is a 34 year old transgender woman from Birmingham, Alabama. He/she is 5'6, 125lbs, and has a sweet rack. Steve was a professional jouster at various Renaissance fairs before discovering that he'd always felt that he was really a woman deep down inside. Steve now enjoys looking at himself in the mirror, and watching Toddlers and Tiaras.
  • 3
    VOTES
    Get-away Time
    Name: Strawberry… (just Strawberry) Age: 24 Favorite Quote: Time flies when you’re tripping balls. Bio: As Zeus cut off his father’s junk and tossed it into the Mediterranean, Aphrodite arose from the foam of one testicle, and Strawberry from the other. If not for the shroom addiction and her lack of a creepy but celebrated bow-and-arrow-toting son, Strawberry would probably be every bit as popular and admired as her sister. She’s at the top of her game this year too – having straight-up mastered the art of levitating inches above floating trees – and she may not have eaten in weeks, but believe me, she’s ready to crap all over the competition at this year’s Stock Photo Tourney.
  • 3
    VOTES
    Beautiful zebra-centaur
    Her advantage is that she has four legs and spends her days chasing gazelle. Her speed is unlike any the NCAA has ever seen. She was recruited at age 4 and this may be her last chance at a title championship seeing as centaurs don't live for more than 17 years. She is in it to win it this year and no one can stop her.
  • 3
    VOTES
    Sexy redhead
    If a first glance doesn't light your fire, hit the zoom button. On closer inspection, the only things that out-burn this red-hot redhead are the madness in her mind and the occasional house that looks at her funny. Look at the way her pearly whites nip down on her shoulder. Is it just a tease, or is she going to rip it off, swallow it whole, and beckon you over to lick up the blood? Only the photographer knows, and he's recuperating in a psychiatric hospital in Maryland. The shock of red hair at first makes you worry that this time, baby, she'll be bulletproof, but the French cooking grease from which La Roux might derive her name and certainly derives her hairstyle is blessedly absent. In its place is a wild snarl of crimson, as naked and animal as our model. Dressed in nothing but gold, some might find her ostentatious. I agree that she's flashing her wealth, but her ample fortune is all pink. Her painted nails are the color of a bloody past or a carnal future. Her indecipherable tattoos are some spell of effortless cool or tangled heat.
  • 7
    VOTES
    African American Pregnant Woman
    Ladies and Gentlemen, feast your eyes upon this sex goddess: Judith Brown. This fine specimen you see before you recently had a run in with a specimen of a different nature (so she went to a sperm bank, get over it), and she has never looked finer. She’s a single, mom-to-be and is counting on you to vote her the hottest stock girl in the land! Come on guys, give Judith one last opportunity to embrace her femininity before the combination of motherhood and working long hours for little pay on the graveyard shift for the local factory ultimately robs her of her sexual identity!
  • 1
    VOTES
    Memo businesswoman
    This is the worst looking secretary I have seen in quite some time. Not only is there nothing written on the post it she is squinting at, but there are also other blank notes all over her suit. Bottom Line: Fire her right now.
  • 5
    VOTES
    Repairman In Uniform & Hard Hat
    This is Rex Longwood, 45. Do you know what he wants to do more than anything else in the world? His job. You see, for the past 18 years Mr.Longwood has been an outstanding plumber/ neighborhood repairman in the city of his birth, Columbus, Ohio. But since the advent of the internet, this quiet, single man has had a hard time doing a job he once loved. Every time the salt-and-pepper haired repairman with his striking blue eyes and strong jaw confidently hands his "Longwood Plumbing LLC" business card to the bored, sexually-frustrated housewives of suburban Columbus, something gets in the way. Rex has just come to lay some pipe, as per his contract. But Mrs. Anderson, playfully twisting with her index finger a single curl of platnium-blond hair that bounces youthfully on her forehead, won't believe that the object of his attention resides in the bathroom and not in the living/bedroom/upstairs in the kid's room while they're at school. Rex was raised a moral man, and hesitates. At the same time, Rex needs this job—and his business card does promise "Outstanding Customer Service”
  • 1
    VOTES
    Bathroom scale
    When you step on the scale, the only thing you should see is a number. Big or small, it should never display a word, let alone ‘help.’ That scale is struggling under this woman. Don’t even need to see her face to know her chances of winning are quite slim.
  • 3
    VOTES
    Naked muscular man
    Meet "Naked Muscular Man" or, as I like to call him, Rupert. As you can see, Rupert has a incredibly large sense of humor, given his use of props in this picture and an enormous talent for art design and blocking. Having studied art design at Juliard, Rupert now has uses these skills to focus on his current career of designing chocolate boxes, at which he works just oh-so-hard. His odds of winning? Given his huge amount of motivation, we say highly likely.
  • 1
    VOTES
    Forestry worker with chainsaw
    ESF students, eat your heart out, for behold the lumberjack (or, "Forestry worker with a chainsaw" to be technical). This lad will kick the crap out of the competition with this beast of a chainsaw - or maybe simply kill his opponents with it, we're not sure. In any case, he's sure to make audiences melt with that tres sexy toolbelt and "protective gear." ;) Odds of winning - he clearly has the ESF support, so....well, okay so there are only 120 ESF students in total, we'll rank him as 'moderately significant' chance of winning.
  • 1
    VOTES
    Old Homeless Man with Blood Shot Eyes
    "Old Homeless Man with Blood Shot Eyes?" Nice try. We see through this sexy stud! He isn't homeless, he's from "The Walking Dead!" and is there nothing sexier than that show right now? Vampires are so passe`; post-apocalyptic zombies are now the makers of desire. I personally vote this studmuffin as seeded to win the whole shebang - I mean, look at those drool-worthy eyes! Ryan Gosling couldn't compete with this zombilicious morsel of a man.
  • 4
    VOTES
    staying fit during the holiday season
    This girl is looking good in a few ways right now. Keeping that body nice and thin all while working out in a Santa hat is both healthy and spiritual. Hopefully she is not comparing the size of her waist to Santa’s though.
  • 5
    VOTES
    Portrait of a girl with black boxing gloves
    This chick seems really into fitness, which is a good thing because a tight body is always appreciated. Also you won’t really have to take care of her that much when the zombie apocalypse comes around, which it will, and you can focus on defending yourself. She is also not too hard on the eyes.