Gentlemen. I won’t sit here and and blabber on about, “I know what girls want!” That’s a lie. No one knows what girls want. Girls don’t even know what they want. But I do know what girls don’t want. At least I think I do. Come to think of it, I’m not sure about that either. But I’m going to take a stab at it. (Girls, if I’m wrong, please let me know and we as a gender will continue on in our cat-calling ways.)
What I definitely know is: we need to step up our game. And by “step up,” I mean
completely revise. It isn’t working. The raising and lowering of eyebrows. The
staring. The whistling. The staring. More staring. Why do we stare so damn
It’s Valentine’s Day, my y-chromosome-having brethren, as good a day as any to alter our modus operandi.
Starting with these:
I cannot stress this enough. We, as a gender, must stop staring. They’re onto
our tactics! Oh, you suddenly remembered something behind you and had to turn around right when the girl
in the leggings walked by? You’re not fooling anyone. Guys know you’re doing it
because they do it. Girls know you’re doing it because you’re a guy. Yes, she
has breasts. And legs. And”¦breasts”¦such nice breasts”¦”¦.What was I saying? Ladies, please don’t be offended by staring. We can’t control it.
we’re trying to convey: “Hi, you look dashingly beautiful and I would love to
talk to you but I’m afraid that all the nerves in my brain are saying, “Look at her!!!! She’s purdy!'”
we’re conveying: An erection of the eye. Also, some slight drooling.
Overly Forward: Some guys applaud the man with the balls (presumptively large
in stature) to walk up to a girl at a party and simply say, “Damn, girl, you
put the “ass’ in “my face.'” Other guys brace for the impact of the girl’s hand
making friends with this idiot’s face.
Women like confidence (or was it continence? Probably both”¦). They don’t
like brutishness (or incontinence).
we’re trying to convey: Confidence.
we’re conveying: A guy who puts the “ass” in “Do not pass go.”
Erections are another way of being too forward. (Get it? Because your penis is
elongated, and so you’re, technically, more forward than usual? I’ll wait”¦) How
would you like it if a girl walked up to you with a”¦well, actually bad example,
if a girl walks up to you, most likely that’s the source of your erection to
begin with. Just don’t do it. Threaten to think about Abe Vigoda naked if the Little General doesn’t stand at ease.
we’re trying to convey: “Good LORD you are attractive. Just the sight of you
we’re conveying: An erection.
The sexual art form of grinding can be a wonderful thing. If both parties
expect it. But there are two ways grinding can be not-so-cool: 1) if the
grindee suffers from an unwanted and aforementioned friend showing up at the wrong time and in the wrong pair of pants, or 2) if the
grindee walks straight up to a girl and thrusts himself so far forward that she
can use her butt cheeks to unbutton his pants. Gentlemen: we are not the
grinders. Our hips do lie. Do not
start the grind. Let the grind come to you.
we’re trying to convey: Desire to grind.
we’re conveying: Desire to spend the night alone
(But Not Cute Awkwardness, Just Plain Awkwardness): If we’re planning to walk
up to a girl, we need to do exactly that: plan. Too many times we approach
without even a semblance of a game plan, which leads to interactions like this:
Us: “Great song!” Her: “This is an ad for Ford. They’re just playing the
radio.” Us: “”¦..totally.”
we’re trying to convey: “You are the only thing I can concentrate on in this
room, like a beacon of hope in a literally dank dungeon.”
we’re conveying: “I’m socially awkward, but I’m sick with video games!”
6) Being Naked and Vomiting On Your Toga
Under a Pool Table: If you’re too drunk to talk, you probably shouldn’t bother.
If you’re sitting under a pool table and spewing chunks of Panda Express on
your down comforter, you’re in absolutely no condition to be speaking to
anyone. (Other than God, via the porcelain phone.) Yes, you’re in a toga and are
thus perfectly set up for a Shakespearean pick-up line (the only real use for
Shakespeare), but you have to actually be able to get through the whole phrase
for it to work. “Et tu, [blugggghhhhhhh]” is close, but doesn’t quite cut it.
What we’re trying to convey: “I ate
Panda Express for dinner!”
What we’re conveying: [bluggggghhhhhhh]