Welcome to Cornell! I’m sure you’ve already seen/heard about the lovely gentlemen driving around in their pick-up with a banner reading “Thank You For Your Daughters”! Regardless of whether you are potential hos-in-training or those ladies who still think their ladyparts should be saved until marriage, I can offer you some sage advice from the man side of things.
1) Frat guys will not only see you: No offense, but freshman poon is freshman poon. If you’re gunning for freshman babes, you are gunning for all of them. Just because you think you’re prettier than you’re roomate doesn’t mean the same guy won’t hook up with you bunk buddy the other night. If you’re looking for a bf, you better lay down some serious vagina game or else you’ll be shit out of luck.
2) Fuck sororities. Seriously they suck balls. Like I know you “can’t” talk to any girl in them until rush week starts (which is another entirely retarded venture i will delve into another time), but all these “ladies” (aka insecure cumdumpsters) will try their best to make sure that you think the best of said sorority. They will act ladylike in front of you, show you some courtesy, but be not fooled…most of them are well renowned in many a frat. That’s why we keep asking them back.
3) Don’t open your pants that much. It’s ok to sample the wares available to you around this fine institution, but keep yo shit in check. Getting boxed by a group of guys (hooking up with 4 different similarly grouped friends is called being boxed) is not only extremely whorish, but even frowned upon by said group of guys. Stay out of that box, ladies, and we’ll think you have some sort of dignity.
4) Avoid the deserts at dining halls. Everyone cries out, “Freshman 15!”, but it seriously does happen, very quickly. Looking like a woman 3 months along in her pregnancy certainly makes me less likely to want to tickle your bean. Low frat fro-yo does not mean non-fat fro-yo, and just becaue they have unlimited pizza does not mean you should eat it all. Watch yo shit, and don’t get fat, pretty please. Or else I’ll stop considering your box as a potential parking spot.
5) Ignore the IFC restrictions. I know I’m being controversial with this, but they kind of are bullshit. Find a frat, meet some dudes, and go to their “undercover” parties. Every party we will invite you to will be “undercover”. It will be a rooms party, and you will get as much alcohol as you want, meet some guys (hopefully sweet, but frats offer a wide variety), and have a good time. So get invited to events from non-creepy guys, bring maybe one or two other cool guys with you (preferably, cause we want sweet dudes), and have a blast. We’re not looking for an O-week gaggle, so don’t even try it or you’ll be denied (unless the house sucks, in which case why even go there?)
Finally, just be you. If you’re not you, you’re just doing the wrong thing. If you love dick, then love dick. If you hate dick, then hate dick. I’ll still be able to tell regardless of what act you put on. Kids older than you have been around this block before, and know how it works. So just step up to the plate, put on your best face, and hope for the best, because shit will work out the way shit works out.
Enjoy your 4 years, mamacitas
