By Gary Shelderblatt
I feel like I’ve really matured since my college graduation. I’m done with frat parties, bar crawls, random hookups, and drinking myself into a coma every weekend. It’s about time I settle down and find that special someone who, on the occasional Friday night, will just stay home with me and watch The Human Centipede 2.
Just a cozy, relaxing night in. We can snuggle together on the couch, maybe share a nice big bowl of ice cream, make Eskimo kisses on each other, and watch a large group of innocent people get stapled together ass to mouth by an insane, overweight, asthmatic psychopath. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, really. I’m getting older now – I don’t need to get drunk to have fun! Sometimes I just want to get intimate with someone on those rainy nights, listen to some contemporary jazz, share a nice bottle of Merlot, watch violent snuff porn horror films about people shitting in each other’s mouths, and stay up late just cuddling and talking about the finer things in life.
It’s fun to hang with my college buddies on the weekend, but sometimes I just want to be alone with Ms. Right, whoever she may be. Someone nice, smart, funny, beautiful, and up for the occasional Human Centipede 2 script reading/re-enactment in the basement.
I don’t think that’s such unreasonable criteria for a woman. You know what? She doesn’t even have to be Jewish. She just has to be comfortable watching hideously disgusting smut films with nauseating amounts of blood and feces, be politically well-informed, talented, and enjoying of my company.
Are you out there, Ms. Right??