September 14, 2011. An unforgettable day for men all over the world. No national tragedy had struck, nobody landed on Mars, and Snooki was still a paid author. This date will stick in the hearts and minds of millions for an entirely different reason ““ nude photos of actress Scarlett Johansson made their way onto the internet.
The FBI is currently investigating the situation and attributing the scandal to a hacker who illegally nabbed the digital images from Johansson’s phone. Lead detective Ned Avery has already been tirelessly examining the evidence for over 48 hours.
“If you look right in the center of the photo, you can see Scarlett’s buttocks clearly visible from the reflection in the bathroom mirror,” Avery explained. “Her perfect, round, beautiful posterior region is prominently displayed right there for all to see.” Avery then sat down and, opening his briefcase, pulled out what appeared to be a larger, blown up version of the image.
“It looks like she just got out of the shower or something, because she’s completely nude and holding a towel in front of her. She was probably washing her naked, smooth, soapy body just minutes before the picture was taken.” Yet this wasn’t the only leaked picture of the actress. A second photo, featuring a topless Johansson lying on her bed, made its rounds online as well.
“If you look at her breasts, you’ll notice she’s naked in this picture too,” continued Avery, unrolling a 24′ x 36′ poster-sized magnification of the image. “She’s got this sexy, seductive look on her face like “Ooh, yea, I’m a naughty girl aren’t I?’ Such a shame some cyber-criminal had to invade her privacy like that. And did I mention her nipples are totally visible?”
As of press time, the FBI is currently looking into a few leads as to who is responsible for leaking the photos, but have made no arrests. “I’m going to have to continue to vigorously study these photos if I’m going to identify the hacker,” Avery concluded.
“This is clearly the work of a criminal mastermind.”