Election Day: Local dimwit John Thurpwood was guilt-tripped by his Facebook friends into visiting his designated polling place and voting in the US presidential election today, despite not knowing anything about the candidates or their positions on various political issues.
“I wasn’t really going to vote since I’m not into politics and I didn’t watch any of the debates,” said Thurpwood. “Until I browsed my news feed and all my friends were going on and on about exercising our civil liberties and whatever and I felt kinda bad.”
Thurpwood, who self-identifies as a “pop culture junkie,” couldn’t remember what political party his mom registered him for in 2008. “I figured I shouldn’t be voting since I don’t really follow any of this stuff and I’d rather make no decision at all than an uninformed decision. But then Paul Rudd tweeted a YouTube video of himself telling me to get out there and vote. How could I say no? He’s hilarious.”
After browsing dozens of other PSAs featuring various celebrities, authority figures, and cute children telling him that it doesn’t matter who he votes for as long as he votes, Thurpwood changed his mind.
“Ok, ok. I’ll vote. Wait, what’s Obama’s last name? Should I vote for him? Or Matt Romley? Our economy is bad, right? Which is the one who said he would make the economy better?”
Upon exiting the polling booth, Thurpwood put on his “I voted!” pin, having proudly cast a vote for Dr. Jill Stein and Cheri Honkala of the Green Party because he thought they would legalize marijuana.