What used to be the top brand name in trendy wool-lined sheepskin boots is now sending investors and stockbrokers into an unprecedented frenzy. UGG, once the leader in snow boot sales among the college-aged female demographic, singlehandedly caused the Dow Jones industrial average to drop nearly 80 percent last Thursday following an announcement from senior Stacy Schwartz, president of Upsilon Gamma Gamma sorority.
“Uggs are, like, so last year,” Schwartz declared at last weekend’s International Panhellenic Conference, in front of a crowd of over 1,000 bewildered sorority girls. “If you still wear Uggs, there’s no way you’re getting a bid to my sorority. Also, if you’re fat.”
Directly following the announcement, conference attendees were left in shambles, tearfully removing their Ugg boots and exiting the reception in their socks. Meanwhile, major business executives at Wall Street were also just hearing the news and frantically selling their UGG shares for losses of over seven figures.
Russ Slickman, CEO of e-Trade brokerage firm and a major victim of the UGG economic crisis explained: “Consumer and market research reports have confirmed that Stacy Schwartz is easily the hottest, most popular girl on campus. She’s currently hooking up with multiple varsity athletes, has been invited to at least six fraternity semiformals, and holds an enormous amount of influence over her peers.” He continued with an analogy: “Stacy Schwartz is to fashion as Steve Jobs is to technology. Could you imagine what would happen to Apple if Jobs called a press conference to say the iPad was lame? Financial homicide.”
Schwartz was seen exiting the conference wearing Crocs. In an unexpected turn of events, Google is now rumored to be purchasing the clog shoe manufacturer for $5 trillion.