If you’ve been on Wikipedia recently, chances are you’ve seen the banners on top of the page asking for donations to the site. It started with “A personal appeal from co-founder Jimmy Wales,” and now the campaign has evolved into an entire army of racially diverse solicitors begg- I mean appealing for donations, from disillusioned senior citizens to violent serial killers. The “free flow of knowledge” is a nice cause to donate to, but who exactly are these people and why are they staring at me while I’m just trying to do some innocent self-help research on toilet paper orientation? Anyway, here’s a breakdown of a few of the famed Wikipedia donation solicitors:

 
You Owe Me

Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales is a smart man with good timing. It’s no coincidence he started this whole donation-soliciting campaign right around finals week, when you rely on his website the most. The look on his face is earnest and humble, with a glaring yet subtle look that says, “I’ve gotten you through 6 fucking semesters of bullshit papers, and you haven’t even cited me ONCE because your professors won’t let you use me as a source. The least you can do is give me 20 measly bucks, a tiny fraction of your school tuition which your parents pay for anyway since you work part-time as a campus pizza delivery guy who doesn’t make any money.”

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Morpheus 2.0
At first, I thought this guy was just trying to play the “badass” card with his sunglasses and whatnot. But upon further inspection, it turns out he’s blind. And he speaks 5 languages. I guess that kinda makes him a badass anyway by default. I can just imagine him macking it to girls at bars, hard. “The name’s Kumar… [removes sunglasses] Aniruddha Kumar.” They’d be naked on his bed before he could even ask whether they prefer their vodka tonic straight or on the rocks.
 
Every Step You Take…
This guy has elected to remain nameless, and I have a theory on why – he’s a late descendant of the Mona Lisa and doesn’t want the attention. Seriously. Move to the left. Now move to the right. HIS EYES FOLLOW YOU!! You better donate, cause when this guy’s not busy authoring thousands of Wikipedia articles… He’s. Watching. You.
 
Your Mean 8th Grade English Teacher!

Well, this is a different approach. It’s almost like Susan couldn’t possibly give a shit whether or not you donate, and decided to just stand there and look as menacing as possible. She’s only authored 549 articles, which pales in comparison to some of these other nerds. You know what? I respect it. She looks like a busy woman with better things to do than write Wikipedia articles for free and then ask for money. My guess is she was a last minute additional to the donation crew, and just went along with it for the free food and cocktails after the photo session.

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Good Cop

I really like Ward; he’s the least-threatening looking of all the donation solicitors. Mainly because he’s old, balding, wears glasses, and actually smiles with his mouth open. If he asked me for Wikipedia money on the street, there’s a possibility I’d give it to him. Actually, I might just promise to write or edit an article for him instead, just to make sure he doesn’t spend it all on booze.

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Bad Cop

BRANDON, IF YOU EVER READ THIS, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME. It’s all a joke. Just a harmless satire article I’m writing for fun. Campus Basement isn’t even my full time job. I don’t have any money right now, but when I do, I PROMISE I’ll give it to Wikipedia. ALL OF IT. Just please, please don’t hurt me or my family with a sniper rifle or a hammer or whatever you might normally use. Please.

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I’d Hit It

One thing I admittedly respect about this whole donation-soliciting campaign is they could easily use sex to their advantage, but don’t. Even the sexy ones – like Ms. Anonymous here – are wholesomely dressed with beautiful smiles and no clear attempt at a flirtatious, all-too-easy look of, “Pretty pleeeease, donate to Wikipedia? I’ll do anything  ;-) ” On second thought, I’d probably donate a couple hundred bucks if that were really her offer. Poor strategy, Wikipedia! Sex sells.

 
Who Wants a Mustache Ride?

I’m just gonna come out and say it: Dr. Podhuvan is the man. This guy has got his shit together. Really though, look how wise he is. Look at his mustache. He probably knows The Force. Something tells me Dr. Podhuvan is the author of some of the most widely read Wikipedia articles in history, such as biomedical informatics, phylogenetic species concept, and chemically assisted degradation of polymers. I trust this guy.

Me

What a good-looking guy. How can you say no to that face? Seriously, I’m damn near broke. I’ve haven’t edited for Wikipedia before, but I thought about it one time when I noticed somebody wrote, “Osama bin Laden is a fart nugget,” on the page for Al-Qaeda. I ended up not editing it though since it was accurate. Really though, can I have some money?

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