After Benny’s CafÃ© hosted an open-mic night last Thursday at Indiana University, many students left the event wondering, “Why the hell are college bars and cafes hosting open mic nights?”
“I just don’t understand it,” says Christine Baker of Purdue University. “First off, anyone who’s good at music doesn’t go to college, they smoke a lot of weed, buy a van and continue to assure you that they’re “gonna make it.’ Secondly, these people at open mic nights make their acoustic guitars sound like angry cats raping a xylophone.”
Other than the occasional performer who played a cover of “Don’t Stop Believing” down two octaves, most of the artists either played original music that sounded “eerily similar to most songs by Dispatch,” or songs that were covers that “could have been played better by a quadriplegic with Parkinson’s.”
Still, many of the open mic artists were optimistic about their performances.
“I really shredded it in there,” said Zach Ionella, “I wasn’t sure if they were feeling it, but when I busted out my acoustic version of Blink-182’s “All the Small Things,’ the entire crowd was on its feet!”
Ionella added, “And sure, they got up to leave, but the point is they felt my art.”
Despite Ionella’s optimism, Benny Gladwell, owner of Benny’s CafÃ©, is uncertain about the future of open mic nights.
“If I hear one more cover of “Crash Into Me,’ I’m shutting down the cafÃ©,” said Gladwell. “Seriously, don’t these kids know any other songs? It’s like everyone with a guitar tries to play the same fucking songs! There are artists out there besides Dave Matthews Band and Dispatch, you little fuckers!”
Next week’s open mic night is scheduled to feature one particular performer who will struggle to play “Blackbird” in its entirety for the entire half-hour set.