Last year, 111 million people tuned into the Super Bowl. This begs the question: “What were the other 6.8 billion people in the world watching?” Obviously, they were watching puppies prance around on a miniature football field for three hours. Animal Planet’s “Puppy Bowl” is just like the regular Super Bowl except fluffier and with dog feces all over the field. Animal Planet hyped up their big event with a “starting lineup” online slideshow of puppies participating in the action, and here are our staff picks for which puppies are going to totally fuck shit up today at 3pm.
Alex Piliouras’ Pick:
Calvin the Dachshund restores classic cars. You know who else restored classic cars? Ryan Gosling’s character in the film Drive. And in Crazy, Stupid Love, Ryan Gosling’s character Jacob played opposite Steve Carell’s….wait for it….Cal. Coincidence? Probably, since the logic doesn’t quite follow. But dogs don’t know what a coincidence is. What Calvin does know is that he’s going to bide his time in the Puppy Bowl, maybe sit around quietly, and then kick the other puppies’ faces in before taking his final bow(-wow).
Alex Rosenthal’s Pick:
Hunter the Boxer’s game face is the same as Obama’s game face on that famous “Hope” poster, and his face is even longer than John Kerry’s. So it’s no surprise that his fun fact is he’s planning on going into politics, and no surprise that he’s going to stomp everyone’s ass in the Puppy Bowl. Guarantee he’s the first one called for “unnecessary ruff-ruff-ruffness.”
Brian W‘s Pick:
Fumble is an asshole. Everyone knows that. Just look at him. Every god damn time he gets the ball, he drops it and turns it over. Maybe if he kept his lipstick to himself, he wouldn’t have such slippery paws.
The pup of major Jim Croce fans, little Leroy has the name to send fans singing like it’s 1973 and abortion just got legalized. Or the US just withdrew from Vietnam? Okay, how bout ‘singing like Northern Ireland just voted to remain part of the UK.’? No history references? In any case, Mr. Brown is ready to take to the field Sunday afternoon with the gumption that any baseball-loving Chihuahua/Terrier Mix could muster. You go Leroy Brown, you go.
Not to be confused with the Scottish Moors of the same name, Sir Aberdeen is honoring us with his time Sunday afternoon as a break during his favorite hobby – sailing (presumably, off the coast of Scotland). With his pashmina-like coat, the recently knighted Aberdeen is ready to bequeath a touch of class to Sunday’s events before winning the puppy bowl for his fellow Scots.
With his black and white face, Pepper is the symbol for equality that in trying times, this nation needs more than ever. At 7 weeks old, Pepper has blown the competition away with his innate ability to think his owner is dead and never returning when he is merely leaving the house for a 10-minute trip to Shoprite. Pepper’s critics feel he could use a little practice in the “licking his own nuts’ portion of today’s event, but experts agree that’s a skill that comes with age and shouldn’t be rushed. Vegas has Pepper going off at 35:1 odds right now, making him a serious under”¦ugh”¦dog.
All puppies watch your tails! This is Abilene and she is one tough little puppy. She is going to drown all the other pups in the Buppy Bowl,with those blue eyes and her expert scubadiveness. Beware this mutt is roooooooof. Don’t be fooled by her innocent face, she is anything but!
Fonzi may only be 10 weeks old, but he has Henry Winkler on his side. Henry Winkler not only played Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli for 10 years on the show “Happy Days”, but he also played a football coach who overcame adversity in a movie of underDOGS titled “Waterboy”. In the end Henry Winkler’s character prevailed as will this Rat Terrier. And although The Fonz (or Fonz or Fonzie) is known for his luck with the ladies and good looks he could pretty much do anything he wanted to do…similar to this young pup.
Gracie’s strength lies in her breeding. She’s half daschund, half Chihuahua. She’s multicultural, combining the efficiency of the beer-guzzling Germans and the ingenuity of the tequila-producing Mexicans. (Seriously, alcohol made out of cactus?) But most of all, she’s punny. Half weiner dog, half teeny tiny Chihuahua? Can anyone say, “Cocktail Weenie?” The answer is yes, everyone will be saying that fantastic pun because Gracie will beat everyone’s ass. I’ll have a bone to pick with anyone who says otherwise. They will be in the doghouse for sure. They will leave the puppy bowl with their tail between their legs. God I’ve written so many puppy puns I’m dog-tired.