Hey CollegeMags, it’s me, FutureMags back to smother you with some life lessons from the future. Are we totally Dennis Quaid and Jim Caviezel or what?!
Since in this past week I have had no randomly acquired memories of sexing up the entire football team, I can only assume that you did not in fact take my dating advice from last week seriously. That is, unless, by me sending you a letter from the future and you taking that advice you have in turn changed the past and sent yourself on a completely new trajectory timeline of which I am no longer a part of. Did one letter change the entire world? Am I responsible for the imminence that is 2012? Wow. Heavy stuff.
That’s all good and well, but we really need to talk about something that is much MUCH more important than the apocalypse: choosing your major. And I say that not to play into the whole “comedy comes from the unexpected” joke thing that you’ll learn in writing class. I say that because it is completely and devastatingly true.
Choosing your major is more critical than the end of the world. It is the biggest decision you will ever make in your entire life, ever. So, no pressure.
As you are well aware, we went into college with a major already chosen. What? Did you think you were all professional and ahead of the game and artsy fartsy and above all your classmates? Well, most of that is true. But not because of our major, just because we’re totally awesome.
However, since you’re a stupid naive college student, it’s time for me to crush your tender spirit. NEWSFLASH: We chose possibly the worst major a human being could ever choose for herself: English. with a concentration in Creative Writing.
Now, trust me, I know that while you’re in this major it is awesome. I mean, what do you have to do? Read and write. That’s like the first thing we’re taught in life. No sweat, right? Also, not to brag but when the Shakespeare category comes up on Jeopardy we totally kill it.
Sure, those two reasons right there might persuade anyone to stay an English major. But let’s talk downsides.
Con: You will be spending your college years analyzing things like how paralysis functions in The Dubliners, when you could be spending your time learning something that, you know, matters. Cripes, if you could even just take one personal finance class I will feel my job as a voice from the future has meant something. Literally within the past four days the following statements have come out of my (your future) mouth:
“I honestly do not know what taxes are.”
“How does a person buy a house?”
But, sure, we’re pretty illuminating when James Joyce comes up in casual conversation.
Con: The majority of male english majors – who you spend a lot of time with and could be viable options for mating – are either studying to be english teachers or gay. One of those groups will not be able to afford the lavish lifestyle to which you deserve. The other is gay. I know math isn’t our strong suit, but, well, do it.
Con: You are given no real career path as an English/Creative Writing major. You may not really care about this at the moment, but when you are five months deep into the shame spiral that is unemployment, wearing pajama pants with salsa stains on them to walk across the street to the gross bodega in order to buy tortilla chips and more salsa to have something to munch on while you are watching six hours of the SoapNet Happy Hour lineup for the fourth day in a row, even though you’ve seen every episode of One Tree Hill and The OC three times over, YOU MIGHT CARE.
What I’m saying is, please, please choose a major that has a job attached to the end of it — nursing, pre-med, education, pre-law. Throw us a bone, CollegeMags, or before you know it you’ll be that crazy former English major writing letters to yourself and posting them on a college comedy website in order to “hone your craft” and not getting paid for it. Hey, wait a second…