In a recent article in the Detroit Free Press, it was revealed that the University of Michigan features a club dedicated to squirrels. it’s called the Squirrel Club. And it’s a club. About squirrels.
For those of you who still don’t follow (which, quite frankly, should be everyone — did we mention it’s a club for squirrels?), the following compiles a list of what we assume would be done at Squirrel Club:
Get Them Off the Freaking Campus: I’m not sure what Michigan looks like, but if it’s anything like most college campuses, it has a squirrel population that could easily rival that of a large city, or, possibly, China. (In fact, many scientists and historians predict an all-out China-Squirrel War by the late 2030s.) The best thing to do with squirrels? Get rid of them. No, I’m not advocating for squirrel murder. I’m advocating that we ally with China now and get this China-Squirrel War won before it’s too late and we become slaves to squirrel overlords, spending our days gathering acorns that, for all we know, our rulers will never even eat. The rest of our time would be spent asking ourselves how something with so much potential to be cute ended up so gross and diseased. And once we stop pondering Lindsay Lohan’s demise, back to acorn-gathering for our new rat-cat emperors. Which leads us to the second activity that we think would be done at Squirrel Club…
Seriously, Get Them Off Campus: These are creatures that live in garbage cans, crawl on all fours and feed on nuts. They’re the prostitutes of the Animal Kingdom. If we wanted prostitutes on our campuses, we’d all just go to Duke. But since we don’t, that seems to affirm that we prefer our campuses to be prostitute- and, ipso factor, squirrel-free environments.
Of course if Squirrel Club isn’t your cup of nut-infused tea, you can always transfer to cross-state rival Michigan State University, which has a club called the Herp Club. The Detroit Free Press article doesn’t go into detail on that one, but it’s probably for the best.