It’s the beginning of the year, time to decide which classes you’ll keep, which ones you’ll drop, and, most importantly, which ones take attendance.
If you’ve scheduled your classes correctly, then none of them will take attendance and, even better, the professors won’t believe in grades. But if you aren’t sure about your schedule, here’s a guide*:
Rule 1: Do not take anything offered before 11 AM. The odds of you learning anything before that hour are fantastically low. If you need it for your major, your best bet is to switch majors.
“¨”¨Rule 2: Do not take anything offered after 5 PM. The odds of you giving a shit after that hour are almost as low as the odds of learning before 11 AM. “¨”¨
Rule 3: Do not take more than 15 credits. This should be a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised. If you’re trying (for some unknown and unwarranted reason) to graduate early by slaving your way, think twice. For one, you don’t want to graduate early. For two, taking more than 15 credits in a semester is like trying to fit nine cupcakes in your mouth at once: you may be able to do it, but it always ends with projectile vomiting and diabetes.
“¨”¨Rule 4: Do not take economics classes. The economy is doomed and anyone attempting to fix it only ends up being yelled at by random people on the street. Let it be someone else’s problem.
“¨”¨Rule 5: Do not take classes between 12 PM and 3 PM. These are prime lunch hours. How are you going to learn anything on an empty stomach?”¨”¨
Rule 6: Never, under any circumstances, take a class on Fridays. What are you, stupid? Friday is for Frisbee, fornication and forties. Alliteration can’t be wrong.
Rule 7: Do not take classes on Wednesdays. Wednesday is the middle of the week, and you need time to recover from a busy Monday and Tuesday.”¨”¨
Rule 8: Don’t take any classes that last longer than an hour and a half. Sure, they say you can retain information while you’re sleeping, but the same doesn’t hold if you’re sleeping sitting up while some balding dude drones on about the role of carbon in the environment.
“¨”¨Rule 9: Never schedule more than one class per day. Learn some restraint. If you’re scheduling several classes a day, it seems like you have a problem and need to talk to someone about your addiction.
Rule 10: No philosophy classes (what are you, a pothead?), psychology classes (what are you, mental?), religion classes (what are you, a Jesus freak?), sociology classes (what are you, a mental pothead?), math classes (what are you, a nerd?), science classes (what are you, a nerd?) or any other class that could lead to you being demeaned by your peers (what are you, some kind of pot-smoking freak, you nerd?)
“¨After applying the aforementioned rules, your schedule should appear as follows:”¨”¨
Monday: 11:00-12:00 Guitar Lessons”¨
Tuesday: 2:00-3:20 Snorkeling (Skip: it’s lunch time)”¨
Wednesday: 12:45-1:30 Rocks for Jocks (Skip: it’s a Wednesday and lunch time)”¨
Thursday: 3:00-4:30 Wine & Beer Appreciation
*This guide is an updated version of the guide featured here.