On Thursday it was revealed in a US News report that the graduating class of 2015 is Completely Fucked. The news, while surprising to some, cannot be a complete shock; speculators have consecutively categorized graduating classes in diminutive manners, calling the class of 2013 “Shit Outta Luck,” and the class of 2014 “A Dell Computer.” But this is the worst yet.
According to the report, every student graduating in 2015 will live at home for a minimum of two years after graduating; after a two year period, most will end their lives while the remaining few will scrape the bottom of the job barrel, working as either human garbage cans, fillers-of-what-used-to-be-newspaper-offices, or Fox News analysts.
The future is glum indeed.
Statistically, most graduates who have trouble finding work go into the restaurant or maintenance industries, but because of the current state of the economy, waiters and manual laborers are now required to hold at least a Ph.D.
“I’ve had to turn away thousands of college grads,” said Fred Sheridan, Director of Recreation in Topeka, KS. “And not just English majors, people with real degrees. But if I’ve got some kid against a guy who worked as a mechanical engineer for twenty years and was laid off”¦let’s just say a college degree isn’t what it used to be.”
University career centers nationwide have begun to alter their approach when giving advice to upcoming grads.
“Used to be we’d tell them, “Network, send out resumes, make applying to jobs your job,'” said Marie Henderson, Director of Career Services at the University of Florida. “Now, not so much. Yesterday, I advised a student to either occupy something embrace a life of unfulfilling work as a Starbucks barista.”
Henderson added, “Starbucks wouldn’t hire him, so now he’s occupying them.”
The biggest question now is: what should all of these students do with their $200,000-degrees? Is college a complete waste of time?
“I’d say not,” said Marc Polanski, President of the Princeton Review. “Statistically, college is a great opportunity to build one’s tolerance and prepare for early unemployment and alcoholism.”