According to mustachioed junior Jon Kinnison, mustaches aren’t just for dads and creepy uncles anymore. That’s right, folks – Kinnison’s one-person survey concludes that sporting a ‘stache is “fashion forward.”
Kinnison said he recently traveled to Boulder, Co., where he saw more lip hair than in both of the Sherlock Holmes movies combined (seriously, go look. Everybody in those goddamn movies has facial hair).
“Yeah, I went to Boulder, no big deal,” Kinnison said. “The mustache scene up there is ridiculoso compadre, but I hear it’s nothing compared to Portland.”
After visiting the hip University of Colorado Boulder, Kinnison said he dedicated two whole months cultivating the most righteous/repulsive set of hairy handlebars possible.
“Growing this thing wasn’t easy,” Kinnison said. “The odds definitely weren’t in my favor. I’m like 1/16 Cherokee Indian or some shit and you never see any of those guys with facial hair, so I don’t have the genes for it.”
After weeks of combing, brushing, shampooing and – on special occasions – conditioning his upper lip, Kinnison said he finally became content with his lip-sweater.
But Kinnson said his efforts have gone frustratingly unnoticed at Mizzou.
“I mean, I know it’s sexy, and I think some people just find that a little intimidating, you know?” Kinnison said. “It’s like, the last time most people saw a lip caterpillar this full was on their dad and they probably just think, ‘wow, that’s a whole lotta man and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.’”
Rupert Tamlin, one of Kinnison’s friends, said that while Kinnison’s observation about most girls not wanting to sleep with someone who reminds them of their father may be correct, that’s about the only thing he got right.
“It looks like face-pubes,” Tamlin said.
Kinnison, however, said he’s heard all of the mustache jokes. He said his facial hair isn’t for everyone.
“Yeah, I know how a lot of people will tell me stuff like, ‘Hey man, got a hot date at Chuck E. Cheese’s tonight?’ or ‘Headed to a McDonald’s playplace to look for a nice young whippersnapper?’” Kinnson said. “But mostly those are all just guys. And moreover, I know they’re all just jealous because I pull more babes than them because of it.”
While Kinnison admitted he does not, in fact, “pull more babes” than anyone because it’s impossible to pull less than zero babes, he said that’s just because the trend hasn’t caught on at Mizzou yet
“Give it a little while and you’ll all see what I mean,” Kinnison said. “The ‘stache ain’t for the haters, it’s for the ladies.”