Following two alleged sex abuse scandals from Penn State
football coach Jerry Sandusky and Syracuse basketball assistant coach Bernie
Fine, Catholic priests around the world are fighting to reclaim their title as
the stereotypical career choice for people who engage in inappropriate
relations with young boys.
“Out of all people, who would have thought collegiate
athletic advisors would steal our thunder?” said Catholic priest Alessandro
Magnini, who owns and operates Saint Dominick’s School of the Touched Angel.
“Truck drivers can be suspicious. Plumbers are kinda sketchy too. And I’ve
never felt comfortable bringing my nephews to see Ronald McDonald, or any
clowns for that matter. But NCAA coaches? They certainly had ME fooled.”
Catholic priests were particularly distressed at how
fully-grown adults could target minors while working at a university, where
young, legal pooty tang roams free for vast, expansive miles of co-educational
Another Catholic priest, Paulice Bologna III, elaborated.
“WE are supposed to be the creepiest, most corrupt profession out there, not
college shooty hoops coaches! They haven’t even taken an oath to celibacy like
we have ““ the whole world is at their fingertips. What the hell are they doing
going after innocent children? That’s OUR job!!!”
Despite the fact that due process of law has yet to occur with
regards to either scandal, the priests have begun strategizing as to how they
can reclaim their stereotype from the few rogue NCAA coaches.
“We’re taking it all back,” asserted Magnini.
As of press time, the large group of Catholic priests were
last seen congregating quietly at a Justin Bieber concert.