Millions of people all over the world were outraged today upon the unveiling of the brand new Apple iPhone 4S, a smartphone with a dual core A5 processor, an 8-megapixel camera capable of shooting 1080p high definition video, a battery that can last for up to 14 hours of continuous talk time, an entirely new operating system, and a talking digital personal assistant named Siri who can instantly respond to a multitude of questions and voice commands.
Tim Cook, who led his first product launch today since taking over as Apple’s CEO, released the mind-blowingly amazing new product during the “Let’s Talk iPhone” keynote speech in Cupertino.
Despite the fact that the iPhone 4S is a considerable leap forward from the older 4th generation phone, and that we are currently experiencing an innovative tech boom on a grander scale than anyone thought imaginable ten years ago, Apple fans were largely disappointed upon hearing the news of this new piece of technology.
“This is such bullcrap! I don’t want some lame upgrade to a 1-year-old piece of junk,” said Pierce Winchester, a sophomore at Dartmouth whose father pays his phone bills. “We want the IPHONE 5!!! Give the people what they want!”
Also unveiled at today’s conference were two new generations of iPod Nano and iPod Touch. “Nobody wants to hear about stupid boring iPods,” Winchester said of the Apple mp3 players, which can amazingly hold up to 64GB of music wirelessly through the new iCloud and/or Wi-Fi. “It’s not the iPhone 5, so no one cares.”
When asked what he hopes to see in the iPhone 5, Winchester replied, “I want it to look different,” and then gazed angrily at his iPhone. “I can’t believe I’m stuck with this stupid excuse for a phone for a whole year,” he said, despite breaking and replacing so many iPhones that he’s no longer eligible of purchasing a warranty from AppleCare.
In other news, Apple executives are considering slimming the 4S device down a millimeter and calling it the “iPhone 5″ just so everybody will shut the hell up.