It looks like Charlie Sheen will be returning to work after all.
Early Thursday morning, Charlie Sheen revealed that he enrolled in classes at UCLA prior to the ongoing ordeal revolving around his drug use. As soon as word spread throughout the entertainment community that Sheen was a typical college student and not a drug addict and alcoholic, Sheen was allowed back on the Warner Bros. lot, reinstated in his role on Two and a Half Men, and his children were returned to him.
“We were unaware that Charlie had been enrolled in college this entire time,” said Les Moonves, President and CEO at CBS. “We were under the impression that he was just a lunatic who liked cocaine. But if he’s in college, well, really anything goes. Hell, even Obama did cocaine in college, and he’s our president! Needless to say, we can’t hold drug experimentation against a college student, which Charlie claims he is.”
Moonves wasn’t the only one to apologize. “I had no idea,” said Chuck Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men and Sheen’s main focus of attack during recent days. “When I was in college, I did all kinds of crazy shit. At least I assume I did, I don’t really remember. Charlie, if you want to drink twelve Four Lokos, snort a pound of cocaine and sleep around, that’s perfectly fine. Everyone experiments in college. Just don’t let it continue after you graduate.”
One CBS attorney found this sudden announcement suspicious and looked into Sheen’s records. He discovered that Sheen is enrolled, but he has not attended a single class all semester.
“The fact that he hasn’t attended class only strengthens his alibi,” said Moonves. “Clearly, Charlie is a college student. The only people who attend class are grad students. And Charlie Sheen is no grad student.”
Mr. Sheen was busy pregaming a frat party by drinking a keg, but he did give a brief statement before going off to do more experimenting: “I love college.”