The year is 1992. Bill Clinton has just begun his non-scandalous term in office. Aladdin is dominating the box office while people argue that this whole Disney animation thing is “just a phase.” And Microsoft released Windows 3.1, forever solidifying its place as the best computer software ever. In essence, 1992 was nirvana. Because “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was toward the top of the charts. But at frat parties, music took a different tone.
5. K.W.S. – “Please Don’t Go”: KWS’s one American hit song possibly paved the way for every Black Eyed Peas song ever. Why? Because there are only about 13 words in the song, three of which are “Please don’t go.” The rest is filled with a driving beat, which I’m sure fueled many a drunken hookup for a dude wearing LA Lights sneakers.
4. CeCe Peniston – “Finally”: This song symbolizes everything ‘90s. R&B feel with a hint of techno and a splash of a woman pouring her soul into a song that will go on to star at every third-grader’s roller-rink birthday party. And I guarantee that it was a hit at frat parties because the guys liked to laugh at her last name, combined with the lyric, “Finally it has happened to me right in front of my face.” Oh boy…
3. Sir Mix-A-Lot – “Baby Got Back”: I had no idea this song won a Grammy until I checked on Wikipedia. So it must be true. Someone on Wikipedia also took the time to dissect the song in the “Synopsis” section. And yes, the synopsis is longer than the one sentence it should consist of: “Sir Mix-A-Lot wrote this song because he likes big butts and, on a related note, has the tendency to be genuine and truthful.” Wikipedia notes aside, there is not a chance in hell that frats were not playing this song at least seventeen times per party in 1992.
2. Right Said Fred – “I’m Too Sexy”: Chilling stuff. “I’m a model, you know what I mean. And I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah.” This song was, I am not lying, number 13 on the Billboard charts in 1992. I say I am not lying because I would think that every frat bro alive would use this song as his mantra, buying up dozens of copies of the cassette tapes just in case their car stereo ate a few or the girls at the party “accidentally” stole them all and had a massive bonfire. If any guy ever got laid because of anything to do with this song, I want to meet him and know how in the name of Right Said Fred any girl could tolerate him. Which segues perfectly into…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u2_GQlwxbI
1. Michael Bolton – “When a Man Loves a Woman”: Easily one of the worst songs of all time, yet it was #54 on the charts. So despite the fact that some of the greatest songs ever were released in the same year (“Bohemian Rhapsody,” by Queen and “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men, just to name a few), Michael Bolton, probably visualizing what would happen to America down the road, made sure that for every piece of quality entertainment, there was one so shitty that it could make everything else look bad while simultaneously captivating audiences. For anyone unsure about what I’m saying, just turn on TLC’s new show Long Island Medium, or, for a simpler way to instantly consume crap, any Top 40 radio station.