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tagged skorton »
Cornell to Install Ski-Lift to Get Up and Down Slope
You know technology and convenience are taking the world over when you have a ski-lift installed at your school. Well, Cornell, today is our lucky today. This morning, President David Skorton announced that a ski-lift will be installed to make it easier for students to walk up the slope. “This is a new era, and... MORE »
Skorton Credits First Born’s Blood Sacrifice for Warm Weather
ITHACA, NY-When Cornell University President David Skorton announced last month that he was going to sacrifice his first born child in an effort to snatch the NYC tech bid, Cornellian’s were quite skeptical. It seems as though Skorton has proved countless students wrong in not only earning the tech bid, but also in ensuring pleasurable weather for... MORE »
The NYC Tech Campus: Cornell’s Plan to Take Over the World
On Friday, it was announced that Cornell received a $350 million dollar donation to help their bid for a tech campus on Roosevelt Island in New York City. Cornell’s bid is now at $2 billion dollars and they are now the front-runners to win this opportunity. What people do not know is that there is... MORE »
Cornell Enforces Strict Dress Code on Stewart Avenue
Over the past few months, Cornell University has experienced an extraordinary amount of forcible touchings. Now these occur at every school and on every college campus in America, but there is no place like Stewart Avenue. The dark streets and dim lights are great signs for forcible touchers everywhere. It feels like every single morning... MORE »
Happy Holidays With Love from Cornell…and Apparently the Clock Tower
Oh and for Caption ideas…. Happy Holidays from Cornell and Frosty the Snowman who wishes you “Happy Holidays and hey can you help me get this thing out of my butt?” MORE »
Message of Condolence from President Skorton: R.I.P. DC++
President Skorton‘s Message of Condolence 29 November 2011 Dear Cornellians, Two weeks ago, we learned with sadness that we lost a beloved member of our community, DC++, who was murdered after apparent “massive liability.” DC++ was an ambitious file-sharing network that once illegally hosted more than 35 terabytes of music, video and other content. He was... MORE »
Party at President Skorton’s House!
Since the policy for fraternity parties has changed this semester, many freshmen have been left wondering €œwhere am I gonna get my keystone buzz on and rub up against total strangers?€ Freshmen year without being crowded into the hot sweaty basement of a fraternity house and waking up in a “sober monitor” shirt (that you... MORE »
Skorton to Apgar: “Stop being so gay”
In an astounding change of events, it appears as though University President David Skorton is siding with the fraternities in their ongoing battle with Associate Dean Travis Apgar. In a released transcript containing meetings between Associate Dean of Fraternity and Sorority affairs Travis Apgar and David Skorton, David Skorton appears to call out Apgar in his attempts... MORE »