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Research finds “Commencement” is no longer a terminal illness
The class of 2012 and all its friends can breath a collective sigh of relief about at least one thing as May 11th approaches, thanks to some timely research conducted by the University of Southern California. According to chief researchers, 98% of the student body was under the impression that Commencement, or “graduation” in dirty... MORE »
Student’s First Boy-Girl Sleepover Spoiled By Homesickness
Freshman couple, Suzzie Cooper and Matt Stevens, had been planning their first boy-girl sleepover, a first for both parties, for weeks. Plans were made to spend the night at Suzzie’s since she had an apartment and her roommate seems to mysteriously disappear between 10pm on Friday and noon on Sunday every weekend. Plans began to... MORE »
Welcome to Short Shorts Season
With the random burst of heat that is gently warming up New Jersey, it is with great pleasure that we welcome Short Shorts Season a bit early this year. Short Shorts Season is the brief time between the end of April and middle of May in which girls of all shapes and sizes begin to... MORE »
If The Avengers Went to College
Loganor over at Columbia Basement wrote an article awhile back called “If Disney Princesses Went to College.” And being a boy… I unabashedly loved it and couldn’t stop trying to figure out which princess each staggering co-ed I saw while riding my scooter home was. This then got me scared that I had all... MORE »
Matt Barkley Stays at SC Another Year To Fulfill Dreams of Being a DJ
As we’ve all learned from that scene in the Nickelodeon movie Clockstoppers, and the entirety of The Replacements with Keanu Reeves, winning a DJ competition requires supernatural feats of speed and dread locks while becoming an NFL quarterback simply requires minimal talent, a complicated emerging love interest, and a lovable band of misfits. According to... MORE »
“Expert’s Research” Reveals Key to Guaranteed Hookups
We’ve all had hook ups, (or at least now we’re all in agreement that I’m cool enough to have had them) but recent studies tell us these hookups commence for reasons outside of what conventional wisdom, and common sense, would have us believe. According to research conducted by young men all across the country, being... MORE »
USC fills “big envelopes” with rejection letters for April Fools; no one laughs
“In retrospect, it really wasn’t the best judgment on our part,” explained the Dean of Admissions. “We thought everyone would agree it was all in good fun, but…well, they didn’t.” Over the weekend, USC Admissions sent out large-size envelopes, also known as “big envelopes” which are typically understood to be acceptance letters, however this particular... MORE »
Non-drinkers can finally meet everyone’s ‘judgmental’ expectations by adapting statements from typical college party-goers
After several years’ worth of attending college parties as a non-drinker, I am noticing a concerning trend: we alcohol-free anomalies just are not meeting everyone’s expectations. When we show up to parties, ready to enjoy ourselves without bothering anyone or making a scene, we are a disappointment. Why? Because we are not judging people enough.... MORE »
Spring Time is Mating Season, and Bitches Are Horny
Ah, yes, Spring has sprung…. From the end of March until the end of June, we are treated to some pleasant weather, the blossoming of flowers, and animals coming out of hibernation. These animals emerge for the mating season, where they take part in humping the shit out of each other in order to have... MORE »