Mary Winkler, a freshman Archaeology major, was discovered at 2:35 AM Friday molesting a bat in her dormitory. Tony Mendez, Winkler’s RA, said he heard loud screeching noises coming from Winkler’s fourth-floor room in Delplain hall when he decided to venture into Winkler’s room.

“I thought someone had broken into her room or something,” says Mendez. “I called DPS and then I figured I had better just go in. After all, I didn’t want to be responsible if she was getting raped or something. But then”¦.well”¦the bat was getting raped”¦”

“For the record,” says DPS Officer Robert McGrady, “this is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen on the job. I knew these goddamn vampire movies were gonna come back to haunt us. I just hope my daughter doesn’t end up like this. She loves that Twilight shit.”

A rabid fan of Twilight and True Blood, Winkler claims that the “sex was mutual” and that “true love is blind.” Like bats.