Famed Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon made world headlines from Syracuse, New York this weekend when he announced that he had finally discovered the Holy Grail under the sort-of-impressive glass obelisk crowning Schine Student Center.

“Well, I’ve been looking for that pesky grail for awhile now,” Langdon said of the Holy Chalice in a phone interview, “and the last clue I got said…I don’t know, something about an obelisk, which is like a little pyramid thing, and is basically a symbol for a penis…which I thought was pretty funny.”

“So first I looked over at that big glass one over at the Louvre, but there was nothing there, and I was like, whoa, wtf man. I could have given up, but…I didn’t. I just thought about those wild Priory of Scion bitches, and where they would hide the grail.”

Langdon claims he began scouring the world for obscure obelisks. “I gotta think like a member of the Order, right? So I think, where would they think I would never think to look? And holy shit, Syracuse has a really out-of-place obelisk on top of their Student Center, it turns out. That sounds perfect!

“So I show up, right? And BAM. There it is, the Holy fucking Grail, right there in the middle of the Student Center. So I know I’ve got it, I know I’ve found my place in history, and for sure I’m getting a whole lot of ass for the rest of my life, so I just kneel down and say a prayer for a minute.”

Added Langdon, “Which, everyone seems to agree, is a really dumbass anti-climactic way to end this story.”