The snow is gone. The grass is getting green. Students are free to walk outside.
Just don’t walk on the grass.
On Monday, freshman English and Textual Studies major Sharon Jones was in a hurry as she entered the quad on her way to class. The sidewalk was crowded, since classes had just emptied, and so Jones decided to go around the crowds, walking on the grass in order to get to class on time. But instead, she never made it to class at all. Because as soon as she set foot on the grass, she burst into flames.
“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” says Adam Reznick, who witnessed Jones’ spontaneous combustion. “One minute this girl is hurrying along, the next she’s on fire.”
Reznick says that the students witnessing the event were unable to respond to the flames, as were the firefighters who arrived on scene shortly thereafter. “We wanted to help her, we really did,” contends Reznick, “but there was no way we were going to walk onto the grass to get her. I mean, I didn’t want to suffer the same fate, you know?”
And so, Reznick and a crowd of helpless onlookers watched as Jones was eaten alive by the flames. “Now I know why no one walks on the grass,” says Reznick. “They’ll burst into flames and everyone else will have to watch as they burn alive.”
Either that, or people are just too dumb to stray from the confines of the sidewalk.