So have you heard about One Direction? Now I’m not talking about how your basic compass points, nor am I talking about Glee’s New Directions (are you seriously still watching that?).
What I’m really talking about is that new British boy band or, as one of my professors said, that new group of Justin Biebers. Not entirely inaccurate.
I actually heard about them for the first time from my mother, a woman whose favorite song is still Nelly and Kelly Rowland’s “Dilemma” – from 2002. She saw them for the first time on The X-Factor, where they apparently became Simon Cowell’s prodigies before going onto take over the world with their color coordinated outfits and well-coiffed hair. Seriously, someone get them back to 2005 and on a Hollister catalog pronto.
You’ve probably heard their single, “What Makes You Beautiful,” either on the radio or on SNL a couple weeks ago. As it is, I’ve lost my dignity altogether and since I’m convinced no one really reads what I write, I have no shame when I say that I officially hit my 103rd play of “What Makes You Beautiful” earlier this week.
Adding insult to injury, I’m here to break down my 103 listens in hopes of finding the point where things just went so horribly wrong. Like I said, no shame.
1: Okay. Time to stop listening to “Call Me Maybe.” Let’s go over to YouTube and see what all the fuss is about. Music video? Sure. What the hell, go away McDonald’s ad. Oh god, their hair is so big. These are all 15 year olds, right?
2 – 5: Can’t watch that music video again. I remain unconvinced. I am gonna download this though………….
6 – 10: Alright, I mean, I guess it’s kind of catchy. But more like “I’ll microwave my food to this” way, definitely not in a “I’ll take a study break and listen to this” way.
16: Ha. Fuck you graphics. I’m going to take a study break and listen to some 1D.
18: I don’t think I’ve ever been overwhelmed by someone flipping their hair. The last time that happened, they actually whipped me in the face. Not here for that.
20: Yeah okay, I’ll hum along. I’m gonna close my door first. Hope my roommate isn’t home.
23: Good god, this is FUN!!!!!
30 – 42: I CAN LEARN THE CHORUS, RIGHT? THAT SHOULDN’T BE TOO HARD. THEY’RE THE SAME WORDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
50: Yeah, my roommate is gonna love this. Oh, he’s heard it already. Good. He can sing along with me.
59 – 64: BABY YOU LIGHT UP MY WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE. THE WAY THAT YOU FLIP YOUR HAIR GETS ME OVERWHELMED. BUT WHEN YOU SMILE AT THE GROUND IT AIN’T HARD TO TELL.
65: Okay, but seriously Daniel. Turn this off. Listen to some Fleet Foxes or Arcade Fire. Or just go back to Carly Rae Jepsen. Just detox.
65 ½: Imma let this finish first.
66: YOU’RE INSECURE. DON’T KNOW WHAT FOR. Why don’t you have this synced to your iPod yet, you dumbass?
70: Fuck, my mom is calling. Time to pause this – NOPE JUST GONNA LOWER THE VOLUME AND HOPE SHE DOESN’T HEAR.
75 – 80: Okay, I’m just gonna listen to this on the South Campus bus. Gotta put that shit on looooow, though. This way, it doesn’t count! No record of it on iTunes!
81: What the fuck, iTunes syncs your play count from your iPod? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
86: Ooh, someone on Tumblr posted just the background music. “Can you sing to this without the words?” Challenge accepted. Either way I lose.
87: Yup, I can definitely do it. Yup, that’s the sound of my dignity hurling itself out of my window.
90: Can’t look at myself in the mirror. Otherwise, I’ll have to have that whole “remember when you had taste?” conversation with myself and that’s just gonna get reaaaaally awkward.
95 – 98: ROOMMATE ISN’T HOME, BATHROOM DOOR IS OPEN, LAPTOP IS ON FULL BLAST, AND I AM JUST GOING TO TAKE A SHIT WHILE LISTENING TO THIS. NO. FUCKS. GIVEN.
100: What the fuck. What the actual fuck. What the fuck are you doing with your life. Shit, do you think your neighbors heard you this whole time? Okay, but what the fuck are you doing with your life. You are the furthest thing from beautiful right now. Thank god no one can see you, you undesirable. You’ve hit triple fucking digits. You’re going to die alone.
103: 103 PLAYS FUCK YEAH.