Today is Mayfest, arguably the biggest holiday to ever grace this fine campus. But today isn’t for the faint of heart; it’s an all day event that should be had with the utmost preparation. That being said, it’s safe to say that over 80% of the campus is already intoxicated. With such an event going on, there are obviously some serious possible implications, which is why I’ve set up this list of Do’s and Don’ts for Mayfest.
DO: Talk to strangers. They’re the ones with all the alcohol, food, candy, etc. Also, how are you supposed to make friends if you never talk to people you don’t know? You’re not. So go talk to some strangers, or go stay in your room all day and talk about how stupid it is to go have fun on Euclid Ave on a day like today.
DON’T: Talk to creepy strangers. I shouldn’t have to say this, but better judgement isn’t always something that’s seen on this campus. If it seems sketchy, or if you have to think, “should I be talking to this sketchball?” you probably should go talk to some friendlier randos…
DO: Drink. It’s the key to hydration. Also, it’s the biggest theme behind this day, other than Scholarship in Action, which is what the University would have you believe Mayfest is all about.
DON’T: Drink too much. This statement pains me to say, but it has to be said, because some people think that they can prove their manliness by drinking excess amounts of alcohol.
DO: Black out. It’s Mayfest. You’re not supposed to remember every single detail, just that you had fun.
DON’T: Black out with strangers. Seriously, this is a terrible idea not only because the townies in the area have proven themselves to be kind of sketchy, but because it’s generally not a good idea to go unconscious around people you’ve just met. That’s common courtesy. And if you don’t want that to be an issue, refer to the previous “DO” and make some friends.
DO: Have some fun today. That’s pretty self-explanatory.
DON’T: Be a dick. Let other people have fun too.
Go enjoy Mayfest. I’m going to, whether you all are going to or not. Have fun today, and stay safe. Not just because we care about our readers, but because if all of our readers are all blacked out, then nobody’s going to be on our site…