Chances are you were anywhere from 4 to 7 years old when James Cameron’s Titanic cruised into theaters in December 1997. But even if you weren’t, you were probably still too young when it first came out: too young to sit still in a movie theater for three hours, too young to look at Kate Winslet’s nipples, and too young to distinguish Kathy Bates from a beached whale (fun fact: I’m still too young to do any of this).
But it’s 2012 now, and with this year comes Titanic 3D – James Cameron’s latest attempt to exploit our wallets and our senses. And now, you’re finally old enough to watch Titanic on-screen in its full glory and – most importantly – in the only way a three-hour-and-fifteen-minute movie should ever be watched: drunk.
And since no one can see your bloodshot eyes through those 3D glasses, here’s an unofficial guide to drinking your way through Titanic. Take a shot:
– At the beginning of the movie – this is going to be a long ride, so you might as well be loose for most of it
– Whenever the movie transitions from the past to the present or vice versa (Aside: nobody cares about the present; everyone is old and leathery and for the longest time, I thought the most suspense came from wondering whether Old Rose was going to keel over at any moment)
– At every mention of the word “Titanic”
– Whenever Rose and her family make some reference to how rich they are
– Every time the necklace appears onscreen; take two shots whenever Rose puts it on; take three shots when she wears it naked
– Every time any music that sounds remotely like “My Heart Will Go On” plays
– Every time the captain shows up onscreen; that guy is one BAMF
– When the iceberg appears for the first time – keep in mind that you’re only halfway into the movie and that you probably really need to go to the bathroom at this point
– For every wide shot of the Titanic sinking into the ocean
– Every time you see a person dangling or falling from anything
– Every time you see someone fall into the water (if you’re not drunk yet, prepare to get sloshed)
Points of note:
– Take a shot whenever that guy hits the propeller of the ship; that just fucking sucks
– Every time Kathy Bates appears onscreen, don’t take a shot. Instead, pull out one of the tacos from Taco Bell that you snuck into the theater and eat one in her honor. Plan on bringing several tacos.