Do Go to a House Party:
Frat parties are fine for Halloween if you enjoy being inadvertently sodomized
by Charlie Brown or a Muppet (and who doesn’t?!) For those who don’t want to
experience Charlie Brown’s “good grief,” house parties are the way to go.
(Note: bars are a good option as well, but they can also result in a close
encounter with Kermit’s “the frog.”)
Don’t Dress Like an Idiot: Vague, yes. But it’s also simple to understand. If you’re white, don’t
paint your face black. If you’re black, don’t paint your face white. And if
you’re green, check into a hospital. The only exemption from all of these rules
would be a Michael Jackson costume. (Too soon?)
Do Take Candy from Strangers: Unless the person giving you candy is also simultaneously touching you
inappropriately, odds are he/she is simply partaking in the Halloween
festivities and not out to touch your naughties. Then again, maybe a Charleston
Chew is your fee for a little “Almond Joy.” Whatever carves your jack-o-lantern.
Don’t Go Costume-less:
While many people believe Halloween to be the mother of all stupid holidays, it
is a holiday nonetheless. Don’t be the dick in the corner dressed in
plainclothes. Because if you are that person, then you actually
did dress up. As a douchebag.
Don’t Cave to Terrorism: Terrorism? On Halloween? Oh, yes, my friends. “Trick or treat?”
Essentially the person saying this is saying, “Give me want I want or suffer
the consequences.” We don’t cater to terrorists. Call the president up and tell
him you saw something and you’re saying something. Or just give the person the