Catholics around the world were shocked to hear that Pope Benedict XVI had resigned from his position as “THE CLOSEST PERSON TO GOD ON EARTH.” He tells sources at Campus Basement that the departure comes from fatigue, old age, and University Union’s Winter Carnival line-up.
“They were hyping the students up, saying, ‘oh get ready, stop watching the Super Bowl for our big reveal of who’s going to be performing for the Winter Carnival, it’s gonna be huge!,'” the Pope Benedict said. “And then they reveal it’s Pauly D. I started writing my two-week’s notice right then and there.”
Elected by cardinals in 2005, Pope Benedict had served as the leader of the Catholic Church for more than half a decade, standing by the religion through many disastrous events such as Hurricane Katrina, innocent civilians being shot and famine in third world countries.
“I always thought that God had a plan for everybody, and that everything happened for a reason. I was able to be a prominent religious figure while all these tragedies happened because I knew that God had a greater vision in mind… but this is too much. Pauly D? Known for playing ‘Top 40 Hits and eclectic house beats’? You know what else is known for that? Every college girl’s iTunes list!,” Benedict says. “When I saw that he was the seventh most paid DJ in the world I knew there was no God.”
With his resignation, the (now-former) Pope has dedicated his time to loitering around the Syracuse campus, counter-protesting religious nuts on Marshall Street. He has recently been spotted holding a “Eh… not really” sign next to a protester’s “SIN KILLS — JESUS SAVES” sign.