“What the hell is going on?” Professor Tim Studdard whispered to himself as he walked into his Sophomore Biology section early this morning. This was a Monday just like every Monday before, except something was not quite right; No students were present in Studdards’ 300 seat Bio lecture. Professors all over Syracuse University were facing the same problem. Where were their students?
Statistically speaking, Thanksgiving break is when most students drop out. This was a banner year for statistics as not a single student returned to Syracuse University. Frustrated and scared of losing their jobs, professors began searching for someone, anyone, that they could lecture to. Professor McCarthy of the Philosophy department conducted his class as usual; his students? 3 squirrels and a group of janitors. “Today I taught a Jack Russell Terrier how to use Microsoft Powerpoint and he made a better slideshow than half the freshmen in my actual section.” exclaimed Information Science professor, Henry Dockler.
“Honestly, I don’t mind teaching to a group of homeless people, a pidgeon and a Wendy’s cup;” said Professor Dockler. “they actually want to be here. You know how many text messages that pidgeon sent during my class? None. Not a single text message.” Unfortunately, the professors’ excitement about not having to teach actual students was short-lived. This afternoon the school decided to close down indefinitely and the faculty were all let go. “NOT A SINGLE TEXT MESSAGE!” Professor Dockler could be heard screaming as he ran out the doors of Hinds Hall, through the quad toward the faculty parking lot.
