We’ve all had our encounters with that one kid who JUST
you’re saying that you haven’t, then YOU’RE THAT KID. Here are a few helpful tips for other people who want to get
away from you:

1. Stop
showering. If done correctly, you
won’t have to worry about anybody getting too close to you for a while.

2. Push
them out of a moving car. If they
don’t get the idea at first, they’re sure to get it once you throw the car in

3. Push
them out of a parked car. (If you’re too scared to try the moving car, or if
vehicular manslaughter isn’t exactly what you’re trying to do).

4. Play
hide and go seek with them. When
it’s their turn to hide, transfer to another school.

5. Convince
them that we are, in fact, living in the Matrix and that they are Keanu Reeves.

6. Always refer
to yourself in the fourth person, using their name as a reference. For example, “Steve heard that I said”¦”

7. Monogram
everything of theirs in your name with Sharpie. EVERYTHING.
“Honest mistake, right?”

8. When
eating a meal with them, spit in their food. Then point away and say “Look over there!”

9. Pour
hot coffee on them accidentally. Repeat.
The only thing worse than that
annoying friend is that clumsy friend with too many hot beverages.

they’re in the shower, jump in with them while wearing a bathing suit and ask
them why they’re naked.

they’re using the lavatories, kick open the door and ask them what the hell
they think they’re doing in your pool.

they’re at their computer, run away from their computer.

their Facebook account and change their Facebook into a MySpace.

telling them that MySpace is still a viable social network.

DPS on them saying that you believe you’ve found the suspect who was last seen
wearing a hooded sweatshirt and jeans.

them you’ll totally print off an extra copy of that handout for class tomorrow,
but instead, drop the class.

with everything that they say. Use false information and Wikipedia to support
your arguments.

to be them, sign a form in the office of records changing their major to
Ballroom Dancing. Unless that’s already their major; if so, sign a form as
yourself to transfer out of Ballroom Dancing, it’s probably for the best”¦

on their most prized possession.
When they question your motives, explain that you are “marking your
territory” and that it’s yours now.

them that they should grow a moustache.
Before long, someone will accuse them of being a pedophile, thus giving
you 18-25 years of freedom from them.

all of their food, claiming that you need to stock up for the long winter.

their birthday, give them the gift of hunting with former Vice-President Dick

entire conversations at them, especially at inappropriate settings, like
libraries or funerals.

them into joining the military because they need direction and purpose in their

blunt and honest with them; tell them that you were sent from the future to
kill them in order to save the world.

Cut “em off. If you’re still
talking to them and are wondering why they won’t leave you alone, it’s because
you’re an idiot. That being said”¦

your phone number, email address, campus address, last name, first name;
everything. Then you move to
Mexico. No one will find you
there”¦except maybe the chupacabras”¦

their phone number, email address, campus address, last name, and first
name. Convince them that their
whole life has been a lie, and that they need to move to Mexico so that they
won’t be found.

them you’re going to meet them somewhere, then barricade yourself in your room
and never leave.

30.If all
else fails, show them this article and explain just how hard you’ve been
working to get rid of them….

That’s all for now, but more are sure to come.  Feel free to blow up the Comments Section with your own ideas.