Breaking News!

After much publicity concerning the lack of funds dedicated to renovating Bird Library, Syracuse University has nobly offered up a 50 dollar bill towards the cause. “We are really excited,” claimed head librarian Janet Winthrop. “We are thinking either to buy the newest Harry Potter book, or maybe put a down payment on some outdoor urinals. Hopefully that will deter students from peeing on our building as much!”

The last time the library received funding was back in 2008. In an adept move to increase student attendance, the library declined against buying more books and instead established yet another food court.

Library employees have been grumbling lately though, with expansive job cuts and a plan to relocate hundreds of thousands of books to a warehouse in Patterson, NY. The University is hoping this latest gesture will rectify the situation. 

SU Financial Director Gregory Jones explained the decision to allocate such a generous sum, saying, “We’re just hoping they’ll get off our backs and stop complaining all the time. Waa, waa! Yeah, we’re shipping all your precious books away. Go cry about it.”

And what do the students think about the budget decision? Junior architecture student Chris Weinstein had this to say, “It’s complete bullshit. Why does anyone care about a library? It’s called wikipedia people, get with the times,” adding, “They could have used that $50 for something useful, like free t-shirts or something.”

Lesley Pease, head of the Syracuse University Learning Commons, had this to say “We were going to get the money and then we weren’t. Maybe we don’t yell enough. I don’t know.”

C’mon Lesley, everyone knows there’s no yelling in the library.