Zeta Beta Tau President Zachary Cohen issued a statement Tuesday condemning freshman brother Ben Murphy for his choice of ironic throwback basketball attire during the weekend.
Murphy, a marketing major in the Whitman School of Business, showed up to the ZBT house on Saturday afternoon clad in Shaquille O’Neal’s Orlando Magic jersey, a popular garment among fraternities but one that Cohen deemed “unoriginal.”
“In ZBT, we appeal to a higher standard of irony and humor in our throwback jerseys while sitting outside and drinking with a sense of entitlement,” Cohen said, “Ben did not meet that standard this weekend, and we are deeply disappointed in him.”
Cohen cited several examples of better throwback jerseys Murphy could have selected, such as a Ron Artest Indiana Pacers jersey, or a #23 Bullets jersey from Michael Jordan’s ill-fated comeback attempt in Washington.
“Hell, even a pre-sexual-assault case #8 Kobe jersey would have been good. Ben really needs to step his game up. He’s a new brother, and he’s already having issues like this? It’s very troubling.”
An anonymous girl present at ZBT that day claimed that she was hoping to sleep with Murphy, but “come on. What a lame jersey he was wearing. Everyone has that one, or has seen it before. The last guy I went home with was rocking Carmelo Anthony’s jersey from Oak Hill Academy. That’s his high school jersey. Very impressive. I’m sorry, but that just shows effort, and I only put out for that. I pride myself on the jerseys worn by the 120 guys I’ve slept with in my 6 months at Syracuse. They’ve all been hilariously ironic, and it makes me feel better about my relationship with my father.”
Ben Murphy was not available to comment this story. As of press time, reports indicated that he is desperately scouring the internet for higher-quality ironic sartorial pieces, such as a Latrell Sprewell Knicks model, or possibly a Greg Oden Trailblazers jersey, both of which were priced at over $500.