If you read the title of this article and are actually pursuing a way to visit the mythical MySlice, I know two things about you: 1) you’re a freshman, 2) you’re naïve.

MySlice is not a page one visits. MySlice is a cold, cold bitch that must be stabbed in the belly with a blade carrying the venom of former SU football coach Greg Robinson (if you’re a freshman, you’re going to have an urge to look him up. I’m here to tell you: don’t.), a page that evades even the most persistent hackers, a page that has caused countless rage-inflicted broken Mac screens.

In other words, MySlice sucks the big one.

You’ll learn, in the coming days, weeks and years, that the message you see on MySlice indicating that the site is “temporarily down” is proof that the IT department does not have the same dictionary that you and I use, a dictionary with which one can determine that “temporarily” means “for a little while.” No, in their dictionary, temporarily is defined as “any time you need to update your meal plan or create your schedule or get your transcript so that you can prove to the financial institutions loaning you money that you are, in fact, enrolled at SU so that they don’t come to Flint one Thursday night and beat you with a sack of batteries.”

My advice to you, dear freshman, is to do everything by email. Inform the registrar’s office that you’d like to add classes for spring semester, tell the office of residential life that you’d like a meal plan, tell the office of financial aid that you need your transcript. Let them try to log on.

Unfortunately, they won’t be able to and you’ll inevitably be beaten with a sack of batteries. At that point you’ll need to go to the health center, and that’s a whole other story”¦