A letter to the soulless creatures who don’t know what a urinal is:
For whatever reason, the term, “Public Bathroom,” has become synonymous with the phrase, “Urine-coated Public Bathroom.” As someone who uses bathrooms as a phone booth to receive nature’s calls, I find it horribly offensive that people feel the need to pee all over the phones. (This metaphor isn’t too extraneous, is it?)
IT’S COMMON COURTESY. Seriously, everybody shares public bathrooms. And when one person thinks it’s hilarious to urinate all over the toilet seat, about 100 more people find it gross to sit in it without realizing it. As if the public bathrooms aren’t already shitty enough as it is, (see what I did there?) they’re VERY public. So if you’re locked in the stall blasting music from your phone, I’m judging you.
To say that people need a crash course in restroom etiquette is sad. As a direct result, I am taking it upon myself to enforce a strict code of conduct in public bathrooms, as follows:
-If you pee on the toilet seat, you must sit down to pee. Your standing privileges have been revoked.
-If you leave a significant amount of body hair in the restroom, I’m going to pick it up and put it back on you.
-If you don’t wash your hands, you will be quarantined. We can’t afford a flu outbreak…
Feel free to bombard the comments section with your own bathroom code suggestions. Or if you have anything that you’d like to share with the lavatory community but just keep forgetting to bring a pen with you to the bathroom, go ahead and put that up there too.