This weekend was no ordinary weekend for Syracuse University freshmen. It was the first real snowfall of the year, and not many of them knew how to cope with the mysterious white substance. “It happens every year;” SU Junior, Alyssa Pentley said “it doesn’t matter where they grew up. They all act like they’re from Miami and it’s the first time they’ve ever seen snow.”
“Today I saw a Freshman girl walk outside in a t-shirt and shorts, touch the snow, then go back into her residence hall. And then she did it again. And then another time. This went on for no less than 45 minutes.” said Pentley. “It was disturbing, to say the least, but it probably would have been less fucked up if I didn’t know she was from Rochester.”
In addition to odd behavior, there has also been a string of thefts committed by freshmen in the dining halls. Initially, freshmen just stole a few trays to use as sleds and then several tables were noticed missing. Gradually, however, the dining hall staff realized they had not only been completely cleaned out, but a number of employees had been kidnapped.
It seems that the odd behavior is not only affecting the 18 and 19-year-old freshmen, but also the first-year adult learners. “I honestly don’t know what came over me!” single mother and organ donor, Katherine Fischer said in response to allegations that she drove her Subaru onto the quad and did donuts early Sunday morning. “It was as if the snow was possessing me to do it; I had no control over my actions.”
No other freshmen could be reached for comment as they were all performing animal sacrifices to the snow at the time of press.