In a press conference Wednesday afternoon, Fraternity and Sorority Affairs spokesman Alan Markowitz expressed nothing but confidence in the new regulations instituted on fraternity parties.
“We really wanted to curb the proliferation of alcohol at these fraternity parties, and by banning alcohol from being served, we believe students will be deterred from consuming or serving alcohol at these college social events.
“We anticipate it will work just as well as Prohibition, or the current war on Drugs. I mean, in the 1920s there was absolutely no illicit sale or consumption of alcohol, and you don’t see any illegal drugs on the streets these days now, do you?
“You do? Wait, what are you talking about?”
Under the new rules, fraternities are banned from serving alcohol at social events, and must provide the University a list of guests with those under 21 years of age clearly labeled. Guests are allowed to bring their own beverages, but are limited to 6 beers or 4 wine coolers per person.
“In the 1920s, the 18th amendment had a sweeping effect, killing alcohol use and abuse across the country. People followed the law, it didn’t give birth to a massive underground criminal empire or anything like that.”
Markowitz went on, “No, of course I’m not being ironic. These new rules can be enforced and will be enforced, just like Prohibition. I guarantee it.”