Our first hazing story of the year! Hooray for fraternity hazing! Oh, wait. Not hoorayÃ¢Â€Â¦
Dear Campus Basement:
What you are about to hear is disturbing and is not approved for mature audiences. So please, if youÃ¢Â€Â™re mature, donÃ¢Â€Â™t read this.
My hazing started out simply enough, with a *** (frat letters omitted here) tradition: carving a zig-zag shape into my forehead. At least, I think it was a zig-zag shape; they made me wear these weird glasses that were not my prescription (I donÃ¢Â€Â™t even wear glasses!) so I couldnÃ¢Â€Â™t see a thing. Not that it mattered, since they made me live under the staircase for a while, where I didnÃ¢Â€Â™t have a mirror anyway.
After a few days, when they let me out, I was forced to consort with an owl. They made me write a letter to my uncle and then tie the letter to the owl. I donÃ¢Â€Â™t know if youÃ¢Â€Â™ve ever tried to tie something to an owl, but I can tell you from experience that owls are not fans of this practice.
Needless to say, I got rabies. At least, they tell me I got rabies. I passed out. I vaguely remember the bright lights of a hospital ward and some doctor with barely any nose. I wanna say his name was Mort, but that could be the rabies talking.
I still have the rabies because the brothers in the frat broke me out of the hospital before anyone could administer any medication to me. The brothers said that to be a true wizard IÃ¢Â€Â™d need to heal myself. IÃ¢Â€Â™m not really sure what that means, but I do know that I have a very high fever, my jaw is frozen shut, and IÃ¢Â€Â™m hallucinating a lot.
For instance, I keep thinking that I was pledging a frat and they carved a zig-zag into my forehead. At least I think it was a zig-zag; they made me wear these weird glasses that wereÃ¢Â€Â¦
The letter is on loop like that for another 43 pages, but you get the drift. Rabies, J.K. Rowling, hallucinations, blah blah blah.