Over-achieving Newhouse students with nothing better to do than hang out in Newhouse learned early Monday morning that their beloved cafe, food.com, ran out of seating.
“I had some time to kill before my Com 107 class and heard that food.com is the place where all the Newhouse kids hang out,” said freshman Isabelle Davis, “but when I got there every table, booth, and chair was already taken.”
The scene, which left a group of Newhouse students standing awkwardly in the middle of the cafe, was described by sitting onlookers as “pretty fucking horrific.”
“I felt bad for them, ” said senior Broadcast Journalism major Eric Conners, “but it’s not like I was gonna give up my seat. I’d have to go to the library then, or worse, Schine.” When Conners was asked if he’d be willing to share his booth so someone else could sit down for a minute, he responded by cocking his head to the side like a confused puppy.
Newhouse Dean Lorraine Branham took to the school’s Twitter account to address the unfortunate turn of events. “We are very deeply concerned about the lack of seating available in food.com,” she wrote, “it has come to my attention that these tables will officially be occupied by students every day until graduation, with the exception of Mayfest.”
She went on to say in more posts that plans are officially underway for a second food.com, “food.org” to be built off of the original. “Newhouse students work hard. They deserve to be able to sit down and enjoy a Freshens smoothie and a Bran Grilled Texas sandwich,” she wrote, referring to the sandwich named after her. She finished by adding a winky-faced emoticon.
“Maybe it’s for the best,” Davis said. “I don’t really get what’s so great about this place anyway. The bagels suck.”*
“Well I just hope they build the new one faster than Ernie Davis,” whined sophomore PR major Alison Hawkins. “I have no where else to go.” She overwhelmingly agreed when asked if hanging out in food.com with other Newhouse students is the center of her universe. “My life has no meaning if I’m not there at all hours of the day.”
*Update: Freshman Isabelle Davis was subsequently ostracized from the Newhouse community for her comments. She has since transferred into Arts & Sciences.