By John Friedman, Manager, Chipotle Mexican Grill
It’s been a full week since I opened Chipotle on Syracuse University’s Marshall Street, and all I can think to myself is how
freaking easy it is to take money
from you people. I mean, damn, I’ve got hundreds of students lining up outside
my restaurant literally every night. The lines are getting so long, I’m
thinking of buying out the former Jreck Subs location just to use as an
additional waiting area for you idiots just because the place is getting so
I’ve got you burrito-loving maggots right where I want you. Looks like this whole lame “organic’ fad is actually catching on with young people
now. And gee, who would’ve thought, Syracuse students actually eat things other
than sandwiches and pizza? For Christ’s sake, it’s not rocket science.
Turns out you can actually be successful with food that’s
high quality, fast, mildly healthy, and actually something different from the
sausage-covered pizza and fried chicken wings these Syracuse kids are subjected
to every freaking day of their miserable little lives. “Food with Integrity?” You little toadies just eat that shit up,
I mean, how desperate are you people? Waiting 45 minutes for
a freakin’ burrito? Meanwhile there
are tons of other totally empty places to go to literally within a few yards
away? Yet time and time again, the sheep flock to Chipotle over all the
others. I almost feel bad for them, then I look at my twelve million dollar yacht
and wonder why I didn’t do this earlier.
Anyway, I’d like to issue a ‘thank you’ to the Syracuse
community for giving me so much business it’s almost unbearable. Not that
you’re doing me a favor. Judging by how eagerly you’re willing to pour all your money into this place, it
seems like you’re the ones who should be thanking me.