A dark cloud is looming over the Syracuse University campus.
A storm is coming, and its name is finals. Well, the storm actually prefers to
be called Helga, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s also a metaphorical
storm because it hasn’t snowed in Syracuse yet.
Sophomores, juniors, and seniors have experienced the wrath
of finals (Helga). Freshmen, on the other hand, are freshmen to these tests. As
a result of their lack of knowledge, every freshman has a different reaction to
the imminent tests.
If anyone were to walk into the library this week or next
week, they would find any of these different breeds of freshman.
The Newhouse Freshman
They have been studying for these finals since they were
born. If they don’t get at least an A- on every test, they might explode. The
Newhouse Freshman will be in the library 24/7. God forbid they get a B on their
final paper, they may not get that job at NBC that they’ve had their eyes on.
The Closet Genius
This asshole hasn’t done any of the homework for the entire
semester. They don’t do the class readings and come to class hungover or high
everyday. But somehow, they are acing the class. Obviously, he’s not studying
for this final. The only reason he’s in the library is to grab a turkey wrap at
Pages because he has a bad case of the munchies.
The first thing you’ll want to say to this person is “calm
the fuck down”. The Crazy sits at a desk alone and reads through all of their
notes while simultaneously pulling their hair out. They stay in the library for
the entire night. By the next morning they have a pile of hair on the seat next
to them and a bald spot on the back of their head. They feel like they haven’t
accomplished anything, and repeat this act every night until their last final.
The majority of freshmen fall into this category. They don’t
anticipate the shitload of studying that they will have to do in the coming
week. Instead of cracking open their books, they are stumbling cute videos of
kittens or on some hilarious website that features witty articles about college
life. They sit in the library and do nothing until the night before their
actual final when they start flipping a shit. This freshman then annoys the
shit out of the Newhouse Freshman, the Closet Genius, and the Crazy.
Get your umbrellas, raincoats, and rain boots together
folks! The storm has come to Syracuse and it’ll be here all week. Freshmen have
obviously chosen to take shelter in the library.