Professor Gupta, long-time professor in the SU math
department, came clean last week, stating, “I admit, my English is, in fact,
impeccable. The façade, one which I have kept up for the last few years, was
all an act, smoke and mirrors, if you will, used to confuse students.”
Students who previously enrolled in Gupta’s class were
shocked and appalled at the news. “Are you serious?” inquired former student
Devin Longhorn. “I failed stats because of that douche! It sounded like there
was peanut butter in his mouth!”
Rob Caldwell agreed. “I once heard that dude say, “Purple
people is the square denominator.’ And I wasn’t even high that day!”
When asked why, for so many years, Gupta had pretended to
have a thick, Indian accent, far beyond anything resembling English, he replied, “It’s part of the Syracuse Professor
By-Laws, specifically aimed at math professors. We’re supposed to make a
confusing subject all the more bewildering. In reality, all of us speak better
English than the English department.” Added Gupta, “I was a novelist in India before I came to
SU.”
“Son of a bitch,” said Caldwell. “Son. Of. A. Bitch.”
