According to multiple reports, freshman engineering major Bobby Stevens will spend a large portion of the upcoming weekend smashing poonani. Sources close to the freshman say that he fully expects his recent dry spell to come to a crashing halt as he gets laid “daily, nightly and ever so rightly.”
Although it’s unknown at this point which female(s) he intends to give “the ride of her life” to Friday night, then twice on Saturday and again Sunday morning before brunch at the Sadler dining hall, Stevens is fairly confident that at least one of his plethora of worthy candidates will serve as a willing and able partner after months of sexual futility.
“Oh, he’s gonna get his,” said one male friend of Stevens who refused to give his name. “That cute chick on the floor above us sent him a text the other day with, like, six smiley faces in it. Nobody gets that excited about texting someone who they don’t intend to shtonk.”
Stevens said that he has learned from his past missteps with females and is now a “well-oiled red-hot lovin’ machine.” With the large amount of prospects he has been developing for fornication since the semester began, he believes that this is the weekend when one of them finally breaks through and gets with him – or at least gives him a Dutch Rudder in the third-floor bathroom.
“There’s no way that it won’t happen by Saturday,” Stevens said confidently to a room full of his guy friends last Tuesday. “Besides, I’ve gotta lose my virgi – I mean, bust out of my slump eventually.”
Although Megan the R.A. is out of town through Sunday afternoon, Stevens believes that one of several other candidates will fall victim to his seductive blitzkrieg of texts, drunk dials and digital pictures of his junk. For example, Stacy from down the hall was just begging for it the other day when she made room on the second-floor common room couch for Bobby to sit next to her.
Other possibilities include Julia, who has a drinking problem and hooked up with, like, half her neighbors, Ellen, who totally laughed at Bobby’s jokes when they sat together at a Wednesday morning lecture, and Erica, the deaf and blind girl who would go down on just about anyone.
“Between the beer-slut, the lecture girl and Helen Keller, I’m for sure gonna get freaknasty on a biddy this weekend,” Stevens said while fist-bumping his roommate. “That’s why I told all my friends.”